Ahern hissing is just escaping gas
Tribunal proceedings reveal another episode of Drumcondra mafia antics, writes John Drennan
WE never thought we would be calling on the Irish people to embrace a PD ideology.
However, after the appearance of Tim Collins at the Mahon Tribunal, this may be the safest route for all wise men to take.
When it comes to the weird and none-too-wonderful world of the Drumcondra mafia, the monkish-looking Mr Collins carries all the charisma of a junior member of the Roman curia.
While the rest of Mr Ahern's cheerleaders resemble The Sopranos, Mr Collins looks monkish in comparison. Mr Collins does, however, possess one element of distinction.
In his previous appearance at the tribunal, Bertie's "helper" told of the events surrounding a £600,000 finder's fee secured after the purchase of the Battle of the Boyne site. One would have thought that that didn't need much finding.
Tim's recollection was so vague that the tribunal said his memory losses were "astonishing" to "a greater extent than we might even be used to".
In a tribunal that had featured a galaxy of characters from Rambo Burke to the Bailey "Hillbilly" brothers, this was high praise indeed.
Last week, Mr Collins' capacity to forget (and do feel free to substitute forget with a more appropriate word) moved into an ever higher realm.
Of course, as the land agent bleated about how "figures are not my forte" and engaged in Hitchcock-style wails of "the dates, the dates!", we shouldn't blame Mr Collins for the mature state of his recollections.
One of the key concepts of the new age of brutal pragmatism is that you should never take responsibility for another man's problems -- and it is now dangerously clear that, when it comes to the Davy's cheque for £5,000 in 1992, the most cunning one of them all has made a decisive error.
If Mr Ahern had not lodged that cheque in the B/T account, the tribunal could never have made its current sortie into the secret constituency accounts of the People's Republic of Drumcondra.
However, his decision to do so has allowed this small cheque to become the legal equivalent of the sort of fly that is floated on a long line into a big pool of sleepy trout, who have not been disturbed for decades.
Last week, however, the tribunal's rod tip wasn't just quivering. It was thrashing all round the bank, and there was a whole heap of 'em on the line.
We already knew about how £30,000 of FF money was spent on that "humanitarian" loan to Celia Larkin, where Ms Larkin, Joe Burke and the rest of the lads had to say "Shhh" every time Mr Ahern dropped into Fagans because he did not know about the loan.
However, when it comes to the €200,000 Aladdin's cave of Dublin Central, the B/T account was only one of a series of unofficial funds (and do feel free to replace unofficial with a more appropriate term) that were run for the benefit of Mr Ahern's political career.
Oddly enough, the official FF accounts in Dublin Central were constantly over-drawn, but when it came to the Continuity Bertie Ahern wing of FF's unique twin track approach to "personal donations for political purposes", these were always in the black.
In 1988, for example the Cumann O'Donovan Rossa Fund (CODR) secured £50,000 after six months.
In 1989, an election account for Mr Ahern turned in a profit of £18,000, while its 1992 equivalent was up by £28,000.
In a rare revelatory moment, a satisfied Collins noted of the latter that "I knew they had a pretty good election run".
They sure did, Tim.
Ultimately it was the BT account, which trousered more than €110,000 over its lifespan, that was the real mother lode.
Outside of Celia, this account had a whole variety of curiosities, such as the £30,000 lodged from two golf classics in 1992 and 1995 -- even though documentation indicated FF's "first inaugural golf classic" had not been held until 1997. There's prescience for you!
On Thursday, we thought our favourite moment would be the time when Collins said he did not know an address called 146 Drumcondra Rd where the CODR accounts were sent to.
The sepulchral Des O'Neill SC paused for a moment and said, "It's Fagans pub".
Ah.
However, there was better still to come courtesy of a withdrawal of £20,000 from the B/T account in 1994.
Mr Collins claimed this had been given to "Joe Burke the builder" because the "side walls of St Luke's were sinking".
Sadly, the job was too big for Joe and, on October 26, Mr Collins said the money was returned to the B/T account.
Oddly enough, on a day where sterling had parity with the punt, in the transaction precisely before this lodgement, stg£20,000 had been converted into punts.
Happily, in spite of all these revelations, at week's end there's no need to be concerned about the greatest Irish political leader.
Even if the Dail was on a three-week break, the only people that have the capacity to take our bedraggled Taoiseach out are cabinet ministers like Michael Martin. Nuff said.
Of course, some of you will be concerned that the ongoing survival of Mr Ahern is going to be the worst period in Irish politics since his deliberate policy of appeasement with the then unreformed cop killers of SF/IRA.
However, if some of you are enraged by the tolerance of Mr Ahern's memory difficulties (and do feel free to add a more appropriate word) shown by FF, the Greens and the PDs, our advice to you is to stop.
Intemperate displays of moral indignation will only give you ulcers, and if those who take the oaths of office are not prepared to stand by the Republic, then why should you?
Instead, you should embrace the new PD ethos of Pragmatic Despair and enjoy a couple of belly-laughs at the spectacle.
If that doesn't work, you should be consoled by Mr Ahern's new status.
He may still twitch or make the odd noise but that is just rigor mortis and the escaping gas.
Sadly, it will probably take a while for his cowardly cabinet to catch on, but you can be sure that when they finally realise the Taoiseach is a political corpse, after the first initial wary snaps they will devour him.
