YOU or I would have done the obvious thing. Not Bertie Ahern. Which is why you and I do what we do and Mr Ahern runs the country. As this brave new government prepares to take us into Bertie's Green Period, maybe we should try to see what makes its various elements tick.

What was the obvious thing to do? Coalition with Labour. It would have meant an unshakeable majority, a total of 98 seats. Labour is gumming for it. Why go the more complex route, painstakingly pulling together a jumble of independents, right-wing zealots and liberal Greens?

Because it's more manageable. There are rough economic waters ahead (in the USA, home foreclosures in the first three months of the year reached a 50-year record - long-term predatory lending now threatens destabilisation - and if that happens, it won't stop at the USA borders).

And, worse than global economic instability - if the Planning tribunal isn't killed off, it will pick apart Mr Ahern's extraordinary financial adventures. Very rough waters.

As Mr Ahern knows, Labour can get skittish. At the first hint of trouble, they might adopt a tragic pose and announce that they're shocked, shocked, I tell you, and run for cover. Much better to have a disparate collection of elements that can be played off against one another.

So, we end up with a government dependent on the votes of:

Michael Lowry, former Fine Gael minister, who defrauded the State, lied to the Revenue and with great deliberation, misled the Dail. Don't take my word for it. Judge Brian McCracken concluded that arrangements made for payments to Lowry were "designed to assist him in evading tax".

Lowry went to the Revenue in 1993, declared some of his tax evasion and took advantage of Mr Ahern's tax amnesty. It was illegal to do so while concealing material facts from the Revenue - which is what Lowry did. When his financial affairs became public in December 1996, he went into the Dail and denied wrongdoing. "If someone were trying to hide income," he told the House, "would he or she not be more likely to put it in an offshore account?"

Obviously, Michael had nothing to conceal - except the Bank of Ireland offshore account he was then hiding in the Isle of Man. And the other offshore account at AIB in Jersey.

Lowry recently paid a million and a half to the Revenue - the DPP decided not to charge him with a criminal offence.

Then there's Beverley Flynn. Before entering politics, Flynn was a successful banker with NIB. At that time, NIB was organising wholesale tax evasion. When Charlie Bird told the story of a farmer who alleged that Flynn was involved in such activities, she strenuously denied it and sued. It was a long, bruising case - had RTE lost, it would have had a chilling effect on the station's ability to report. Charlie Bird's career would have been ruined.

And RTE couldn't prove the farmer's story. But four other people came forward and swore that Flynn advised and abetted them in evading tax. Flynn lost the case in 2001. She owed RTE major costs - and she then ran up further debt by futilely dragging the case through the Supreme Court. Costs were assessed at €2.8m - and tomorrow RTE takes Flynn to court, claiming she hasn't paid up.

This is taxpayers' money, spent by the station in defending itself against a ferocious assault by Flynn. If Flynn is declared bankrupt her Dail seat is on the line.

She announced last week she's done a deal with Mr Ahern. "She's working to resolve her own issues," the Taoiseach said on Friday. And how is she doing that, apparently with his approval? She's taking yet another legal case, this time to declare unconstitutional the law which disallows bankrupts from holding a Dail seat.

If she wins, not paying her debts to the taxpayer won't cost her that precious Dail seat. And she's on a promise of a ministerial position in return for her support for Mr Ahern. She'll slide in comfortably beside John Gormley and Eamon Ryan.

Ms Flynn is FF royalty, she gets coddled. The other independents supporting the government were smacked down by the Taoiseach on Friday, after Jackie Healy-Rae, Finian McGrath and Michael Lowry claimed they got great deals. Mr Ahern told Sean O'Rourke on RTE that the deals they got in return for a commitment of five years' support consist of things "that are in the National Development Plan".

Referring to Healy-Rae "and the others following him on this occasion", he said, "I know how he negotiates - he takes all the things in the programme [for government], he says these are the things that he wants to be attached and associated with. And then he has a few small things - which are mainly roads, with Jackie." Pothole politics.

Rather belittling, some might think, but Mr Ahern needn't worry about the finer feelings of the smaller fish.

It's no secret that this, more or less, is how the Greens were reeled in - being allowed attach themselves to things already in the Fianna Fail manifesto. Cheesed-off at being in Opposition (and even more desperate than the Labour Party), all they needed was to have their bellies tickled.

And Trevor Sargent, having pledged not to lead his party into coalition with Fianna Fail, did just that - finalising the deal with the Taoiseach and relentlessly applying his leadership

skills to convincing party members.

When the deal was done, aware that his credibility was at risk, he stepped down as leader, apparently to accept a junior ministry.

"They seem to like us," giggled John Gormley when negotiations faltered.

The Greens liked being treated as grown-ups. "They didn't need us," the Green mantra went, "but they wanted us." They seemed to believe they were loved for their little green selves, rather than being taken on board to serve as necessary pieces in a pliable coalition.

What's shocking about the Green collapse is not that they joined with Fianna Fail - they had every right to do so if they wanted to trade their votes for things that will benefit the citizenry. What's shocking is the price they accepted.

Any time they tried to touch anything that involves the relationship between Fianna Fail and its business sugar daddies, their hands were slapped away. "A ban on corporate donations" - the very thought. Forcing developers to finish estates and provide such social necessities as schools - out of their immense profits - pull the other one. The developers who hoard land and jack up house prices - a protected species.

Before the election, the Greens opposed the sustained (and ruthlessly denied) under-funding of the public health service. They denounced the "co-location" plan to subsidise the private health business at the cost of public resources. The Greens now label this, along with the other untouchable policies (steam-rolling Tara, etc), as "things we didn't get".

It goes beyond that. The Greens list the things they claim Fianna Fail "signed up to" in the programme for government. But the Greens too signed up to that programme - and that means committing themselves to supporting the implementation of those policies, including co-location and much, much more.

The PDs didn't have to make a formal deal - they know the Taoiseach and his Tanaiste are in lock-step with them.

Looking across at the Greens, and laying down the law, Mary Harney smiled and said, "I strongly believe in collective responsibility and loyalty in Government."

In short, welcome to the real world, kiddies - don't worry, you'll get some goodies, as long as you stay in line. On yer bike, Trevor.

Michael, Bev and the Green Hornets, in harness - it's going to be an interesting five years.

- Gene Kerrigan