DEAL or no deal? Is the Government playing some sort of Machiavellian three-card trick on the trade union negotiators, or is it simply doing a backtrack on a cave-in?

The Opposition professed to be nonplussed by the mysterious movements of the two Brians (Cowen and Lenihan) on the issue of the pre-Budget public sector pay talks. They used the Order of Business yesterday to try and make some sense out of the shenanigans.

"We seem to have a very muddled position taken by the Government. It seems to have been made worse over the course of the past day," fretted Labour's Eamon Gilmore.

"This morning we had an extraordinary situation whereby the Minister of State, Conor Lenihan, who was presumably acting as a proxy for his brother, was on radio contradicting the position which was set out by the Taoiseach in the House yesterday."

And indeed Lenihan Lite had been on RTE's 'Morning Ireland' earlier -- assuring the nation, "It is not a done deal".

This declaration was later backed up by his auntie, Mary O'Rourke -- who sallied forth onto the plinth of Leinster House after a robust parliamentary party meeting yesterday morning and announced: "We will not be going the route of (unpaid leave) right now to realise money. If it realises money in the future, fine, but not right now."

There were various outbreaks of confused sniping and shape-throwing around Leinster House yesterday as tension began to build over next week's Budget. The corridors abounded with fractious backbenchers, anxious ministers and opportunistic opposition deputies.

Having failed to prise any illuminating information on the status of the pay talks from a tight-lipped Tanaiste, Enda Kenny decided to stir another pot entirely.

Mary Coughlan's former boss Bertie had popped up in the headlines yesterday morning over comments he made in an interview with TV3's Ursula Halligan in which he accused Brian Lenihan and Mary Coughlan of bad-mouthing him behind his back during his final days as Taoiseach.

Enda took a sneaky approach to the delicate subject.

"I refer to No 39, the proposed national cultural institutions bill," he began, before veering off into Bertieland.

"Although I do not know whether I should describe him as a national institution, the former Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, is going around suggesting the Tanaiste has been bad-mouthing him, and that this is most unfair. I do not want him going into the Christmas period believing that you are bad-mouthing him," he slyly baited.

"Is the deputy worried about me?" giggled Mary, refusing to rise to the bait and looking not a bit bothered by the thought of Bertie behind the arras clutching a long knife.

She wasn't rising to Bertie's bait either, although her spokesman was insistent yesterday that the Tanaiste "had no hand, act or part in undermining him".

So was Brian Lenihan the guilty party then?

It appeared that Lenihan Lite was a little slow to his brother's defence on 'Morning Ireland', when asked if Brian "bad-mouthed" Bertie to him. "No actually, he didn't," chuckled Conor.

"He's most unlikely to have bad-mouthed him to me, because I'm a particular friend of Bertie Ahern and a great supporter of him; so if he were bad-mouthing him, he wouldn't do it to me, that's for sure."

Nor was Brian bad-mouthing Bertie yesterday; his spokesman was making no comment on the matter. In fairness, the Finance Minister has enough battles to fight without adding the former Taoiseach to his list.

But a scrap did break out in the Dail yesterday involving junior minister Martin Mansergh, who threw a considerable strop in the afternoon as he attempted to speak on a motion on credit unions.

Alas, the Minister for Arks may be suffering from PFT (Post-Flood Tension), but not even waders could save him from the one-woman tsunami that is Joan Burton.

He was aghast to find himself at the sharp end of one of Joan's infamous high-decibel harangues, and promptly blew a gasket. "Your play-acting is contemptible!" he squeaked in outrage.

"Can the minister answer the questions," bellowed his relentless tormentor.

"Yes, I will answer -- in the manner which I choose," sulked Martin.

Oh no he wouldn't -- at least not while Battleaxe Burton was on his case, heckling him ceaselessly.

"The deputy is only interested in asking rhetorical questions. She has no interest in the answers," he yelled, going off the deep end.

Sinn Fein's Arthur Morgan decided to join in the fun.

"He is too upset to answer the questions. Is it possible for the minister beside him to take on that role or for some other minister to do it?" he asked, ladling on the sympathy.

"He's stressed out."

"I am not stressed out!" shrieked Martin, as sparks flew from the top of his head.

Joan re-entered the fray with relish. "The minister is having a hissy fit because he will not answer the questions we have asked. He should do that in his own time," she needled.

Martin Mansergh looked as if he'd willingly throw himself into the nearest flood. "Will the deputy give me five minutes of silence so I can answer the questions?" he pleaded.

"I'm all ears," fibbed Joan of Nark.

She might as well have one last piece of fun before all holy hell breaks out next week.

- Lise Hand

Irish Independent