Banking crisis? It's Disney tunes Mary should have brushed up on
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FOR a while there, it looked like a sing-song was on the cards during yesterday morning's Order of Business. There was a relaxed mood in the Dail chamber, possibly due to the usual Thursday absence of the Taoiseach who sometimes casts an ominous gloom over political proceedings akin to that of Mordor over Middle Earth.
Instead, Mary Coughlan, dressed in a chic grey and black top and smart skirt, was in sunny form as she settled into the boss's chair. But she was going to have to concentrate hard, as she faced Richard Bruton, who was anxious to talk about any future capitalisation of the banks. The Tanaiste picked her way gingerly through the minefield of bank-related boobytraps, scattering caveats like confetti.
"At this time, it is not the Government's intention to move towards capitalisation," she said cautiously. "At this time, we do not feel it is an appropriate mechanism. However, it is equally important to say this matter is constantly under review and is discussed by all members of Cabinet."
When it came to Eamon Gilmore's turn to ask the Tanaiste about matters of legislation, he began briskly. But then his second question on a legislative issue raised by Environment Minister John Gormley last July took a turn on to the scenic route.
"The minister stated there was what he called a lacuna in Irish planning legislation, which he had identified before entering government, and that he intended to bring in legislation to deal with it. I have been looking through the government legislation programme and I cannot find any reference to a lacuna," explained Eamon, who was a picture of earnest puzzlement.
There was a momentary pause while the less linguistically gifted deputies mulled over the word, wondering perhaps what a Renault car had to do with anything. Or wasn't a lacuna some sort of llama?
"It could be laguna," offered Joan Burton helpfully.
"It is a hard word," agreed Dermot Ahern.
"There are empty spaces in people's heads as well," remarked the erudite Michael D, showing off. So Eamon attempted to get a bit smart himself, but only succeeded in confusing matters.
Regarding the environmental issue relating to the aforementioned lacuna, he explained: "The problem originated with a development which caused a bog to move and a large amount of water to move into the space left. Thus, we are dealing with both a physical lacuna and a legislative lacuna."
"That is a lagoona," retorted Mary Clever-Clogs Hanafin.
Eamon ploughed manfully on as the verbal slapstick continued.
"Where is the legislation? Can the Tanaiste identify where it is in the legislative programme or what has happened to it," he asked plaintively, sensing the occasion slipping away from him.
The Ceann Comhairle, a bit of a wordsmith himself, decided to get in on the fun.
"I ask the Tanaiste to fill the lacuna," he said delightedly.
Mary Coughlan was enjoying herself. This was far better than dodging banking bullets.
"There are no legislative proposals on lacunae. I do not know whether lacunae would deal with lagoons, because that is what one would actually have if a space was filled with water," she grinned.
But then she walked herself right into a boghole.
"There is also a Disney song about lacunae," she added.
This was too good an opening for the opposition to resist.
"Sing it for us, Tanaiste," rose the gleeful cry from every bench facing her.
"Finian will play behind you," suggested Labour's Willie Penrose naughtily, as the troubadour TD Finian McGrath looked ready to start strumming his guitar in the back row.
"In deference to the deputies' ears, I will not start it," demurred the Tanaiste wisely.
This was disappointing. The song Mary had in mind wasn't about a lacuna at all, but its similar-sounding relation, a hakuna. And 'Hakuna Matata' from 'The Lion King' is such a jolly tune, sung by a meerkat, a warthog and a lion). It could also perhaps be adopted as the new Fianna Fail anthem.
Craze
Just look at the opening lyrics: "What a wonderful phrase Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze/ It means no worries for the rest of your days/ It's our problem-free philosophy/ Hakuna Matata!"
In fact, Mary Coughlan should sing it every morning to the Taoiseach to put him in a good mood.
(Or, on second thoughts, given that the song is an effort by the two animals to bolster the confidence of a flatulent warthog, perhaps not).
Sure, instead she should sing the first verse of the theme-song from 'The Life of Brian'. In fact, we all should.
So, this one's for you, Taoiseach:
Some things in life are bad they can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best, and
Always look on the bright side of life, do do do do do do do do...
- Lise Hand
