There's something dazzling about a whirlwind romance. Romantic comedies and novels are full of couples who meet, fall in love and get married in a matter of weeks. But what of those who choose to wait a bit -- or even a lot -- longer before officially tying the knot?

Last week, Eamon Dunphy married his partner of 18 years, RTE commissioning editor for drama Jane Gogan. And they're not the only settled pair to choose matrimony after years of unmarried bliss. So what drives long-term couples to finally head to the altar or registry office?

Well, it's not social pressure -- for 21st century couples at least. Things were, of course, different in the past. It's not hard to see why people were hurrying to the altar. Pre-marital sex was not commonplace, living together outside marriage would have been a shocking move, and as for an unmarried couple having children ...

But things have changed a lot since then, and what would have caused a scandal in the past is now the norm. So today's couples aren't under the same pressure to legalise their union straight away.

"We don't have to get married the way we did 40 years ago," says Lisa O'Hara, a counsellor at the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service (MRCS). "In my experience as a counsellor, very few people these days don't live with each other before they get married.

"Very few of them are not having sex. All the things that would have traditionally motivated people to get married -- being able to have sex, living together, having children -- they're not factors for most people now."

Which begs the question -- why bother? If you've been together for 10 years and your commitment to each other isn't in doubt, why get married at all? Well, many couples just want to celebrate that strong commitment.

In the past, getting married marked the start of a couple's life together. These days, it can mark the celebration of a shared life that already exists.

"Getting married was something we wanted to do to solemnise our commitment," says Cian Ó Muilleoir, who married his wife Fionnuala Uí Muilleoir after 11 years together. "And we wanted to do so in front of our families and our friends."

The formality of a wedding ceremony is important to many people. "It was really special to stand up in front of everyone and say 'we love each other and we're going to be together forever'," says Eadaoin Patton, who had been with her husband Niall O'Neill for nine years before their wedding.

This attitude is mirrored in some of the clients who attend Lisa O'Hara's pre-marriage counselling. "I always ask them 'if you don't really need to, what's making you take the step?'" she says. "They tend to say there's already the commitment there, but now they want to ritualise it. Or perhaps it's because they have children.

"It's something that's been in their minds and the right circumstances are now here to put a wedding together and move forward into marriage. It's a different kind of commitment -- it's legal and it's emotional as well."

For many couples, the decision to have children (or the impending arrival of children) can be a significant factor in the decision to get married. This isn't just because of the lack of automatic rights for unmarried fathers.

"We started to talk about having children, and through that we started talking about getting married," says Molly Doherty, who was with her husband Peter Smyth for nearly 12 years before they tied the knot. "It wasn't that I thought we absolutely had to get married to have children, and we're not religious. We just thought it would be better -- partly because of legal reasons. But I think we felt that children are a huge commitment anyway, so why not get married? Having children would be such a bigger thing, so it seemed silly not to get married."

Children were also a factor in Eadaoin Patton and Niall O'Neill's decision. "I think we just felt that marriage and children went together," she says. "It was important to us." And when baby Art came along a year later, he had a much bigger effect on his parents' relationship than their marriage cert.

'Getting married after that length of time was special, but the big change was not getting married but having a baby," says Eadaoin. "That was a big shock -- we went from having had years of spending our weekends pottering around and reading papers to having a daily 7am alarm clock."

But those years of pre-baby togetherness can have a positive effect on the future of the relationship.

"We were glad that we'd had so many years to enjoy ourselves," says Patton. "I can dedicate myself to Art now without feeling like I'm missing a social life, or couple time."

Although the parents of today's late-marrying couples may have got married after a short period of time, most families seem to accept that their kids are in no hurry. "My parents would have liked us to get married but they weren't putting any pressure on us," says Eadaoin Patton. "And maybe that lack of interference made us think 'we'll do it when and if we want to do it'." The only pressure these modern couples felt was the not-entirely-serious comments of friends.

"It reached the stage that if we went away for a weekend friends would be speculating that tonight's the night," laughs Patton. "And when I got back they'd ring me saying 'so ... any news?' I think they were excited about the idea of a wedding rather than thinking we really should be getting married."

Whirlwind courtships may seem romantic, but actually, getting married after years of togetherness can equip a couple to deal with the ups and downs of married life.

"The more you know someone, the easier it can be to deal with any problems that arise," says Lisa O'Hara.

"If you've been together for 10 years before you get married, you've already been through quite a lot of change -- you could have changed jobs, moved house, had children. There are significant life changes that increase stress levels and if you have already experienced them you get to know your partner's style. You know how they deal with big problems and stressful situations."

And this familiarity can be a comforting thing. "It's great to have known someone for so long and then get married," says Eadaoin Patton. "There are definitely no surprises -- you know what you're getting!"

So if you're so sure of each other, does it really make a difference to the relationship once the knot has been tied? Lisa O'Hara thinks it can.

"People often say their relations won't change, but it does, because often there's an expectation of yourself and your partner as spouses that could be very different to the expectation of living together.

"When you get married both of you bring together your beliefs of what a spouse should be, based on your parents, on your experiences and observations of husbands and wives, on what you've read. When I got married and came back from my honeymoon I remember thinking 'I have to be grown up now'. In my head I had an idea that being a wife meant being grown up, like my mother."

For some couples, there is no such revelation. But the difference is still there. "It's a subtle change," says Cian Ó'Muilleoir. "It does change things over time but not hugely. It's not like you get married and the next day it's a different person or the way you deal with everything is different. It's more that you've promised to be with that person for the rest of your life in front of everyone you know. That level of public commitment does change things."

His wife Fionnuala agrees. "It did kind of make a difference," she says. "It felt nice to be married. There was a lovely feeling of security, if that doesn't sound cheesy. It felt right."

Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service www.mrcs.ie Low-call 1890 380 380 or 01-6785256

- Anna Carey

Irish Independent