Why it's the dawn of the Eco-Snobs
Ecologically correct: eco-snobs are said to be fond of a spot of tree hugging; while, right, Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz is a well-known environmental campaigner
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“Oh no,” came the reply. “We’re not into flying any more. We want to reduce our carbon footprint, so it’s Donegal this year.”
A deafening silence fell on the room like a collective: “Tsk!” Clearly, while I’d been off wrecking the planet with frivolous jet emissions, my friends had become eco-snobs and I was now one-down in the ancient game of one-up-manship.
Revenge came at a lunch where Mr and Mrs Footprint unthinkingly ordered sparkling water. I solemnly ordered tap.
With just the right amount of smugness, I gently chastised: “Don’t you know that it takes the ground-up horns of ten white rhinos and the tears of 100 pandas to make a single bottle of that stuff ?” One-all!
There’s nothing wrong with cultural snobbery per se, and even if there was, it will always be with us because it’s one of the ways we establish our place in the pecking order. The trick is to keep up with what’s in and what’s out.
Smoking was once sophisticated, then an unspeakable evil, now it’s finding greater tolerance. Flaunting your wealth used to be taboo in Ireland, whereas today everyone thinks it’s compulsory. A bull-headed determination to drive home after 20 pints used to mean a car-full of people cadging a lift. Not any more.
But while smoking and drink-driving are clear-cut health and safety issues, a mastery of eco-snobbery requires a more nuanced approach because we’re into treacherous and uncharted territory. (Remember when the planet was on the verge of destruction by acid rain, the ozone hole and, of all things, global cooling?)
Bear in mind too that the purpose of eco-snobbery is to make you more popular and strengthen the bond with your peers.
So, for instance, before blurting about the wasteful folly of dropping the kids 50 yards to school in a 6-litre 4X4, it’s wise to establish how many at the table do this and whether there’s a perfectly good reason for it. (Who knows how many of us bear the psychological scars of a traumatic childhood event involving a small, fuel-efficient car?)
Merely taking an interest in becoming an eco-snob (as opposed to a tree-hugging ecofascist) indicates that you want to establish your credentials as a member of the enlightened, liberal middle class.
As an enlightened liberal, there is a right way and a wrong way to express your eco-snobbery. Take, for instance, the phenomenon of the €2.99 chicken. For sure, get sniffy about the unnatural glut of cheap chicken, but vent your spleen on the torture chambers of the production plants, and not the hard-pressed mother-ofeight grateful to have chicken on the table.
Never criticise people for the misfortune of being poor. It’ll make you look bad.
Thankfully, there are plenty of legitimate targets out there. Farmers claim they know the land best, and love it best, but they’re all a shower of dirty rotten liars.
Meanwhile, anyone calling themselves Swampy, or Mudslide, or Quagmire, or who seems to have a wicker basket caught in their hair is fair game, and no one will be offended because you’d never have that sort near the house.
You know what to do. Now, get out there and save that planet!
ARE YOU A GREEN GIANT... OR JUST A GIANT WASTER?
Q An Inconvenient Truth is the title of:
A: A brilliant ecodocumentary that unbelievers should be forced to see.
B: The saga of Bertie who buys a modest closet with no skeletons, only to discover it’s a cursed closet built on an old cowboy burial ground.
C: Media reports revealing that the home of eco-warrior Al Gore consumes 20 times more energy than the average US residence.
Still, if it saves a single polar bear ...
Q It’s the future. Your family are the last surviving humans, but water levels are rising. Luckily, you have a giant ark. What animals do you save?
A: All of them. Two-by-two. Slugs, poison toads, tarantulas, the lot.
B: Is it okay to eat the animals?
C: Just the ones you’d want in the back garden, like showjumping ponies and pedigree dogs.
Q It is the future and the planet is a scorched, overpopulated hellhole. You are throwing a dinner party. Charlton Heston is one of the guests. To impress him, do you serve:
A: A single home-grown tomato and the last drop of whiskey on Earth
B: Soylent Green
C: Solyent Green, curried to disguise the tell-tale taste of human flesh
Q What are you doing to combat the menace of soil erosion, which is disintegrating Ireland’s west coast at the rate of two centimetres a year?
A: I’m doing loads. Our action group has invited Coldplay to headline an anti-erosion festival on the Cliffs Of Moher.
B: I’ll take my chances and probably jump out of the way to safety.
C: I’m doing exactly the right amount about soil erosion. Not too much, not too little.
Q When a TD describes himself as ‘green’, do you immediately think:
A: He’ll be getting my first preference!
B: He’ll get my vote when Hell freezes over, but only if he provides irrefutable proof that it has frozen over.
C: A ‘green’ TD would be one claiming he was only in politics a wet day when he accepted that money, which he can’t remember accepting although he accepts he did.
Q It’s Saturday, which means you are out shopping for potatoes. Do you:
A: Spend an extra few cents on local fare with low transport costs?
B: Save a few cents by buying Polish potatoes flown 1,000 gas guzzling miles?
C: Compromise half-way and spend the potato money on cans of Dutch lager?
Q It says on the news that Environment Minister John Gormley has decreed that old-style, inefficient electric eels are to be banned from Irish waters from January 2009. Do you:
A: Write a letter to the Irish Times saying the Minister’s action is better late than never?
B: Angrily boil-up a full kettle of water just to make a single cup of tea?
C: Google the words ‘electric eel’, discover they’re only found around South America, and think: “Hmm. The forests and icecaps are disappearing, but computers just keep getting better and better, so in a way it’s all balancing out.”?
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Your commitment to the Earth is laudable, but you have mental problems.
Mostly Bs: Come the green revolution, you’ll be first up against the wall.
Mostly Cs: You’re a bit of a smart-arse, but at least you’re normal.
