Tuesday 28 February 2017

Violins play on as house party stops

Pat Fitzpatrick

BANJAXED. At least if they'd called it Banjaxed, we'd have known we were wrecked from the get-go. Instead, last week's RTE programme on the housing market was called 'Future Shock: Property Crash', which makes about as much sense as 'Monkey Lasagne: Duck Filtration System'.

That said, the ominous violins were everywhere, so it quickly became clear that something sinister was going on. Much of the show was made up of economists speaking wistfully to camera in a long, windowless corridor that was either a nuclear bunker or UCD, while those violins played in the background.

It's obvious this lot have already sold their houses, and moved into this bunker where they spend their days standing around a giant pot marked 'I told you so', cackling "Bubble Bubble, Housing Market, aah aah aah".

The only people allowed to leave this bunker were presenter Richard Curran, the ominous violinists anda cameraman. Richard spent most of his time moving among the fools who still own property, speaking wistfully to camera from RTE's favourite outdoor location, the motorway bridge.

The noise of the ignorant speeding by in their cars was drowned by the increasingly frenzied violinists, while Richard told us in his most regretful voice that the party was over, listing the percentages lost on property in other countries, Finland 34, Netherlands 32, Denmark 29, which made me think of the Eurovision, as I sobbed into my champagne.

To hammer home the point, the crew went to England to interview a poor woman whose husband died of brain cancer a few months after their house was repossessed, the last time their economy got banjaxed. The violinists managed to control themselves for much of this, but went nuts when the woman mentioned her loss, as if to warn us fools that brain cancer is a side effect of holding on to your house.

So that's it then, the housing market is a horror movie. I don't know about you, but I'm out of here. For Sale: My house. Will take any offers, please forward the cheque to me at the bunker. I'm off to join Richard and the Econo-Witches.

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