As smokers know, we're a dying breed. But before we have the happy release of shuffling off this mortal coil and finally getting a bit of peace and quiet, we have to put up with the shrill, hectoring whinging tones of the self-appointed moral police who argue that enjoying one of those cool, refreshing, nourishing white tubes of happiness makes you some sort of monster.

And, typically, things have gone completely snooker-loopy in America, where the war on smoking is pursued as zealously as the war on drugs/terror/whatever they're annoyed about today.

Just take the case of Howard Weyers, boss of a company in Michigan, who really doesn't like smokers.

And I mean, he really doesn't like them.

This hero of the self-appointed neo-puritans has not only decided that he won't hire smokers, but he is also going to start firing them if they don't give up their delicious, carcinogenic habit.

But Weyers has decided that this approach is not stringent enough, so he has decided to ban employees' spouses from smoking as well.

And how will he know whether you've been smoking or not? Well, he's also introduced mandatory blood testing as well.

Now, you might think this is an outrageous, immoral and presumably illegal infringement of the individual's rights.

But, of course, you would be wrong.

Because: "We're talking about ending an epidemic. This is a global pandemic," whined Dr Julie Gerberding, of the Centre for Disease Control.

So now it's official -- smokers are the equivalent of plague carriers.

But what they miss is the fact that smokers are simply doing their civic duty.

At a time when old age pensioners are on the rise and the social security budget is running dry, at least we won't be around to be a drain on the national coffers.

So, actually, smoking should be encouraged and seen as the socially responsible thing to do.

Unlike those people in groups like ASH, who are going to live 'till they're 100 and be a burden to everyone.

YOU CAN CALL ME ... HYPOCRITE

Despite the fact that I would have -- at the time, anyway -- voted for Gore over Bush, he really has become the most insufferable hypocrite around.

And, when you're dealing with the environment movement, that means a lot of hypocrites.

But after making millions from spouting dodgy science and lecturing the rest of us on how to live -- this column's carbon footprint is huuuge, and hoping to get even bigger -- it seems he could do with taking on some of his own advice.

The Oscar, Grammy and Nobel Peace Prize winner -- take that, Bono! -- has been busy using mother earth's precious resources, and his personal consumption of electricity in the last year reached 213,210 kilowatts of electricity.

And, to put that into perspective, that's enough to power 242 average American houses for a month or provide enough juice to electrocute Rik Waller.

So, kiddies, remember the lessons: don't do as they say, do as they don't. And remember: the environment is your enemy. If we don't get it, it will get us.

TALK ABOUT A WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

Any woman who wears a thong is obviously a brazen, shameless hussy of dubious moral nature. Which is why blokes love a girl in a thong.

But 52-year-old Macrida Patterson is suing Victoria's Secrets for oodles of dollars after she was injured while trying on one of their thongs.

She claims that when she was trying a low-rise thong, a "decorative metallic piece" flew off the thing and hit her in the eye, causing her to want millions of dollars in damages.

This begs the important question -- what the hell is a 52-year-old woman doing wearing a thong?

It's disgusting.

MORE REASONS TO LOVE JOAN RIVERS

This column is more than a little in love with Joan Rivers.

And now she's gone up further in our estimation.

The comic genius was kicked off ITV's Loose Women -- the show where a bunch of menopausal wagons sit around talking about their period -- when she launched into a foul-mouthed tirade against Russell Crowe.

Not realising the show was live, she said "get ready to bleep this" and proceeded to call him a "f**king shit".

After being turfed off the show, she commented: "This is like my wedding night. I was asked to leave in the middle of that as well."

Good on ya, Joan.

OH GOD. THANK YOU PETA...

The humourless terrorist-supporting lunatic fringe group PETA (People Endorsing Terrorist Activity) have a long tradition of proving themselves to be complete spanners, but they have really excelled themselves this week.

Jessica Simpson was snapped by the paps the other day wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the slogan 'Real Girls Eat Meat'.

Despite the fact the top was obviously picked out for her as she is illiterate, Simpson has become something of a hate figure for the animal rights group.

On their unintentionally hilariously titled Peta-files (read it out loud) they point out that a) eating meat will give you breast cancer (no verifiable scientific evidence); b) real girls don't support animal abuse (you can eat meat without supporting animal abuse); and, best of all, c) the meat industry is destroying the earth.

Hang on, I thought it was carbon emissions?

Damn you, Al Gore!

- Ian O'Doherty