independent

Thursday 17 April 2014

They haven't gone away. We know

Personally, I have a lot of sympathy for Loyalist outrage at the limits on when the Union Flag (memo to RTé: it's 'Union Flag' and not 'Union Jack') flies at City Hall in Belfast.

After all, you don't get people in Wales saying they find it offensive. And regardless of what the Shinners and the Alliance Party would like us to believe they are still a part of the United Kingdom.

But having said that, Nordies of all persuasions seem incapable of having a rational debate without resorting to petrol bombs and riots.

But we shouldn't be too smug down South, either.

The Continuity IRA, the Real IRA, the actual IRA (what's next, The People's Front Of Judea?) and all the other groups of thugs pretending to be 'patriots' have been growing in confidence in the last 12 months.

And they further proved that in Limerick the other day when Republican Sinn Féin held an open rally and march in Limerick and threatened to kill any Irish person who joins the British armed forces.

Someone called Michael Kiely read from a statement and said: "The moment you don a British uniform you become a legitimate target for the IRA."

Well, following that logic, I presume Mr Kiely now accepts that he is a legitimate target for British special forces?

Um, slight overreaction perhaps?

Frankly, it's the little things in life that make us all want to go on a killing spree.

Take your bins, for instance.

You have green ones, black ones, yellow ones, and bin-related issues reached farcical levels over the Christmas when a friend of mine had her bin tags stolen, which is surely the worst theft ever.

But when they're not collected on time, it's a right pain in the bum – so how do you react?

Well, in my case I just grumble and mutter darkly under my breath and then . . . bravely do absolutely nothing about it.

But some people are more proactive.

A well known Finglas criminal has been arrested after he stuck a gun in the face of a bin collector – because they were late picking up his bins.

Now, obviously nobody would ever dream of condoning producing a fire arm in any circumstance.

But you kinda have to admire this guy's dedication to domestic hygiene.

Lock him up and throw away the key

The other day I wrote about the Leeds youngster who landed himself in hot water when he used his mother's makeup to darken his skin so he could look like El Hadji Diouf.

Now it's Ruud Van Nistelrooy's turn to feel the belt of the politically correct crosier.

The former United great (pictured) dressed as Balthazar, one of the three kings, as he visited the sick in a hospital in Marbella to hand out presents.

This immediately caused mass hysteria from people who attacked the footballer on Twitter for "perpetuating racist stereotypes".

Maybe it's just me but are these people not missing the point?

After all, from looking at the pictures of the sick patients, none of them seemed offended, they were just delighted to meet a great footballer making a nice gesture and briefly brightening up their day.

Okay then – it is just me.

Look, I'm sorry – another CBB story

I'm convinced that our culture is slowly imploding.

And Celebrity Big Brother certainly fits into that bill.

Now, I can take the crassness, the vulgarity, the ignorance, but what I really love is the hypocrisy of the producers when they try to take the moral high ground.

This happened on Monday when contestant Paula Hamilton was reprimanded after she said her living quarters were "just like Auschwitz".

Now apart from the absence of kapos, guard dogs, SS officers, selektions, gas chambers, ovens and mass graves she may have had a point.

But I loved the reprimand she got from the programme, telling her that they "would not tolerate offensive language that might offend some people".

That lofty claim might have held a bit more weight if they hadn't invited Jim Davidson on to this year's show until he was arrested.

After all, everything that man says is offensive to someone . . .

Of course! It all makes sense!

Anyone with any interest in the wackier elements of American politics will be aware of conspiracy theorist Alex Jones.

And he has just come up with another cracker.

Piers Morgan, as you know, has been attracting the rather hilarious ire of American gun nuts and Jones appeared on Morgan's CNN show to berate the Brit for his pantywaist views on assault rifles.

But it turns out that the recent mass shootings in the States are not the fault of guns.

No, apparently, they have all been caused by something called "mass murder suicide pills".

And what are they when they're home?

Well, apparently, "mass murder suicide pills" are . . . Prozac.

So, don't worry about the guy coming towards you with a gun.

Just run away from the guy who tells you he is on Prozac.

Irish Independent

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