Parenting: On their best behaviour
All children need discipline but what's the best way to enforce it? Does a strict approach work better than a softly softly one
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Discipline can be a nasty word. It conjures up all sorts of negative connotations, the sort most parents don't care to contemplate. Because of that, few use the term anymore, with most opting for 'consequences' instead.
In some homes, ours being one, neither of those words has ever been uttered. My children have never been slapped, shouted at, or sent to sit on a 'naughty step'. Nor have they ever had privileges stopped, been given time out, sent to their rooms, or been grounded. Cynics might raise their eyebrows, but depriving them of a lifetime of threats and punishments seems to have done my crew no harm at all.
We operate in a discipline-free zone, partly because that's the way I was raised, and primarily because it works for us. My parents trusted their five kids to behave properly, so we did. We were no angels, but we by-passed trouble, and luckily it never came looking for us.
That said, one family's solution is another's undoing, and for better or worse, discipline is part-and-parcel of life in many homes.
Despite this, however, many parents feel unskilled when it comes to discipline.
This was reflected in a survey carried out by parenting website www.roller-coaster.ie, which found that one in five parents was unhappy with how they disciplined their kids. Most said they only resorted to a punitive approach when their children failed. Many admitted that when tired or stressed they chose a punishment which wasn't always reasonable. Some owned up to slapping as a last resort.
The whole process can be a minefield, but one common mistake, according to ISPCC regional manager Tracey Monson, is to punish kids who are at a developmental stage where they simply don't understand what's expected of them.
"Parents should stoop down and make eye contact with small, misbehaving children, while explaining their perspective on what's happening," she explains. "Distracting their attention, removing them from the conflict area, and giving them something else to do, are other remedies.
"Grabbing a colourful toy from a child at the crèche and biting him in the process may be nothing more than text-book behaviour for a toddler at his stage. There should be no question of disciplining a child in a situation like that, as he's merely trying to negotiate his environment and assert his independence," she says.
Understanding
"Children aged four, five and six have language skills and an understanding of right and wrong so it's possible to negotiate with them about how best to behave," says Monson. "Sitting down and talking with them, setting clear boundaries and rules about what's acceptable and what's not are good habits that will take the two generations right through the teenage years."
Negotiating your position with teens can be fraught, but saying there will be consequences and subsequently backing down creates confusion and uncertainty. That's why Dublin mum Adele O'Connor is all for saying what you mean and sticking by it.
"I used to ban my daughter Jade (14) from using the internet for a specific period of time, and then give in before that time had lapsed," she says.
"But that all changed when I started studying to be a youth worker and I learned the importance of setting boundaries for kids. Now I hold firm on my promises, and Jade, who's really good, is used to that."
Studying the various stages of childhood and the influence of peers on young people helped Adele to recognise the pressures on her daughter. "She knows I understand her, and that keeps us close," she says.
Not every mother/daughter relationship is so harmonious. The actress Charlize Theron was quoted as saying that she deserved every beating her mother gave her as a child. While you might find her remarks unsettling, Monson says that parents who slap their children often do so because that's the way they were reared themselves.
"We ask parents to reflect on the fact that slapping is a show of frustration, an exercise in exerting control over a child which achieves nothing, as the child only remembers the slap and forgets the message behind it," she says. "We also remind them that the ISPCC offers nationwide support to those experiencing difficulties with their children."
Positive
While negative parenting practices can get carried through the generations, so too can positive ones. Niall Murtagh, from the Navan Road in Dublin, remembers being sent to bed early for climbing a neighbour's tree and picking apples.
"I was eight or nine at the time and I got sent to bed at 5pm," he says.
Now that he's a parent to Claudia (11) and Elliot (five), Niall has adapted his mother's old ways.
"Our son is a Liverpool fan, as am I, so we love watching matches together," he says.
"Occasionally, I have to tell him that he isn't allowed to watch because of something that happened. That breaks my heart, as I really miss having him watching beside me, but I stick to it, because I think that's best for him.
"I would never raise my hand to our kids as they mean the world to me. Usually, I only have to give them a look and they stay in line; but that said, they're very polite and well-behaved, and my wife Paula and I couldn't be more proud of them."
With so much emphasis on tackling misbehaviour, it's easy to forget the importance of nurturing good conduct. Teresa Buckley, principal of the Harold Boys' National School in Dalkey, has first-hand experience of the benefits of this approach.
"National Educational Welfare Board guidelines advise schools to promote positive behaviour, and to move away from the former practice of placing the emphasis on tackling misconduct," she says.
"We've already started implementing that approach, by encouraging pupils to discuss the importance of respect, inclusion, fairness, and generally being the best they can, and by offering a reward system for positive actions. In our experience it works a treat."
Keeping youngsters on the right path requires praising their good behaviour, playing down their misdemeanours, and promoting confidence and self-esteem.
For guidelines on discipline without smacking, visit www.ispcc.ie
- Rita de Brun
