How to be a Super Dad
Nikki Walsh meets a new generation of dads striving to juggle the demands of the office with the crèche
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Sleepless nights and crèche runs used to be the lot of the working mother, but now working fathers are feeling the strain too.
This comes as no surprise to parenting coach Sheila O'Malley, who has seen an increase in the number of men attending her courses in recent years. "Much more is expected of the Irish father these days," says Sheila.
"Now both parents are working, no one is in a supporting role. Men are juggling a lot more than they were a decade ago." Now up to 50pc of her courses are attended by men, with many of them coming on their own. "They are forging their own relationships with their children and this is very enriching for them, but they are under pressure and they need to learn how to multi-task."
A new report, published in the UK by the Equality and Human Rights Commission, has revealed the extent of these pressures. According to The Fathers, Family and Work report, some 54pc of fathers with children under one felt they were not devoting enough time to them, while 42pc felt they were not able to spend enough time with their children. Some 62pc thought that, in general, fathers should spend more time caring for their children, yet six out of 10 were working more than 40 hours a week.
That said, more and more men are rising to the challenge of committed fatherhood. Willie White is the Artistic Director of the Project Arts Centre and a father of two. With a heavy schedule that involves evening events and some travel, how does he do it?
"I have a lot of stamina -- I only need six hours sleep -- and a very supportive wife," he says. "I also have a lot of freedom in work. That is one of the advantages of working in the arts: I work with people who understand what is important.
"Living close to work and the crèche is also key. I can finish work early, collect the children from the crèche, and spend a couple of hours with them before returning to a work event in the evening. I don't know how I would do it if I had to commute."
Other families perform more complex balancing acts. Advertising and design consultant Francis Curran is the father of two girls, aged six and four. Both he and his wife run their own businesses from home. "We are in an unusual situation: obviously I couldn't ask my wife to give up her business, so we decided to divide the load as equally as we could."
Now life is very different. "Before we had the children we would have worked late and at weekends but now we spend that time with the girls. We are not as available as we were and we are also more tired but I completely enjoy it."
He would like to see the government doing more to support working families. "I have a friend who has just had twins. He has to earn an extra €30k just to pay the crèche fees."
For many time-stretched and office-weary fathers, the biggest issues are legal ones. David Caren is managing director of Dads.ie and the father of three children under the age of three. He is eager to see paternity leave granted to Irish fathers.
"When my first baby was born, my UK firm said, 'We will give you the same leave as everyone else'. I got two weeks off, but my brother, whose baby was born on the same day, had to return to work the same day. That is shocking.
"Across Europe it is recognised that a father is entitled to spend time with his newborn baby, but in Ireland employers are under no obligation to grant any leave at all. In the UK, they are thinking of increasing this leave to four weeks. We are being left behind."
Caren would also like to see greater flexibility in the workplace for fathers. "If your child is sick, and you have to take the day off, what do you do?" Asking for time off is easier said than done. According to the Fathers, Family and Work report, two in five men said they were fearful of asking for flexible working arrangements in case it would lead to a questioning of their work commitment and affect their chances of promotion.
Not surprisingly, more and more men are choosing to work from home, where they can organise their childcare commitments around meetings and deadlines.
Ray Walsh is a journalist and father of two. Working from home has given him and his partner greater freedom as parents.
"I'm not a stay-at-home dad, I'm a flexible dad," he explains. He thinks employers need to trust their employees more. "Working parents are very effective multi-taskers, so if they need to slip off at five, let them. They will attend to what's important in work the next day."
Ray believes the debate needs to be about parents, not women or men. "The focus has been on women for too long and that has not been helpful."
It is easier for stay-at-home dads? Documentary-maker and theatre director Rossa O'Sioradain took the summer off to look after his daughter Lilly. "It was an amazing experience and our bond has deepened so much," he says.
Reactions to his new SAHD (Stay At Home Dad) status were interesting. "Women said: 'Are you sure you know what you are doing?' And men said, 'You wouldn't catch me doing that'."
He is not sure fathers can achieve work-life balance. "Society wants it both ways: we are supposed to be loving, caring parents and we are also supposed to be part of a machine." When it comes to easing the pressures of working fathers, he agrees with Ray.
"Equality that seems to relate only to women is missing the point. Equality relates to everyone."
- Nikki Walsh
Irish Independent
