independent

Wednesday 16 April 2014

Of course she identifies with the T-Rex

It's a miserable December Saturday night. You've just served up the family favourite – spicy home-made wedges, salad and a big lasagne with a thick cheese sauce.

Now the fire's blazing, the curtains are drawn against the howling rain, 'Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King' is on, and in a rare display of camaraderie, Wolverine has joined the cosy family circle.

Alas, the contentment does not endure.

Wolverine bitterly objects to the behaviour of Denethor, the Steward of Gondor – sloppy eater, long hair, awesome fur coat, two sons.

He's crazy about his eldest son Boromir but doesn't care about the younger lad, Faramir, she says.

"Of course he does," you interject hurriedly, in a desperate bid to stave off what's coming.

"It's just like me and this family," she says acidly.

Oh God, you knew it, you just knew it, and whoosh, here it comes.

The steward's attitude to his sons, Wolverine snipes, shovelling a complaining Smallie off the sofa to make more room for herself, is an exact replica of this family's attitude to herself and Fifteen.

"You, Dad and the smallies think Fifteen is like Boromir – just bloody great."

But you treat her the way the steward treats Faramir – with scathing contempt!

"The steward thinks Faramir is useless," she argues.

"For Christ's sake, Ma, he even tries to burn him alive!" Wolverine says that she cannot understand how the peril of her situation has failed to catch the attention of the child-protection services.

There is a silence while everyone contemplates this pearl of self-pity.

Attack, you decide, is the best form of defence.

How can Wolverine make any honest comparison between herself and Faramir, you ask.

Faramir strives – strives – to please his father at every turn, and never fails to treat him with the utmost respect.

You point the remote at the screen, where the handsome young warrior and his men ride courageously into battle with the Orcs.

"He's facing almost certain death – and all on his father's orders!"

Wolverine harrumphs.

"Well, I made the cheese sauce," she says sullenly.

Even the smallest smallie snickers at this.

Wolverine suggests switching over to 'Jurassic Park'.

"That's a real feelgood movie," she says.

"Let's finish 'Lord of the Rings'," you say peaceably.

However, you add, you wouldn't object to watching another film – maybe 'Little Miss Sunshine'?

"That's a lovely film," you observe.

Wolverine sniffs.

"Why do you always want to watch that?" she complains.

"I really identify with the poor mother," you begin.

Wolverine interrupts.

"I want Jurassic Park," she declares, "I identify with the T-Rex."

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