My conversation now lacks a certain X factor
Unfortunately, the Grimes twins are now essential fodder for adult discussion, writes John Masterson
Sunday November 22 2009
I am becoming something of a social pariah. I am moving on to that list of people not to be invited to dinner parties, or even boozy lunches, because I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. I am one of those people who hogs the cheese board and am gradually beginning to drink far too much as I sit in silence, unable to think of anything to say. I am also putting on weight and met an old friend last week whose opening greeting was, "I see you have given up the running". I have known him since we were in school together, but there was still no need to be that familiar.
My problem is clearly the company I have been keeping. For many years, most of them have conversed over a wide range of topics and I had ample opportunity to be erudite and witty in equal proportions. But all that was before The X Factor. I have never seen The X Factor, have no interest in seeing it and got fed up with shows like that many years ago. I would not know Jedward if they walked into my house, and I am sure they will be back to that position in a lot more houses once this is all over. But then I can not say anything as I have not seen them and will not.
I gained some solace listening to Russell Brand who also admitted to never having seen The X Factor. Miraculously, the O2 crowd did not boo him off stage. Instead, they lapped up his Jedward comments. Perhaps I should try harder. It really isn't necessary to see this stuff to talk about it.
Finally my fellow diners finished talking about The X Factor and I thought I might be able to join in again. Not a chance. They moved on to The Apprentice. Now I will admit to being hooked on The Apprentice. But it was when Donald Trump did it, and I have not been bothered with any imitations. I do know that Brendan O'Connor has just as much X factor as The Donald. I must send him a congratulatory text. I am happy to make The Brendan happy.
It is not that I have given up television. I maintain my soap-free life and still have never seen Fair City, EastEnders, The Clinic, Corrie, or Emmerdale but they are not necessary fodder for grown-up
conversation, as The X Factor has become. I watch re-runs of Top Gear 20 times and keep hoping Russell Brand will do the star-in-a-car bit. I am totally addicted to In Treatment. While we all enjoy misery and histrionics on the box, I like mine to at least look real and In Treatment is so real I am close to ringing Gabriel Byrne to book a session. If anyone could sort out my messed-up mind it would be Dr Gabriel.
That does not help my conversation deficit. But help comes from the unlikeliest places. Over the top of the mountain on his charger comes Pat Kenny with his crack new "looper in the audience" format. And I am there to see him. The Jedwards are gone to the dustbin of cyberspace as we all turn to the major issues of the day and I am no longer silent.
"Was it a set up?" I am asked by the less media-savvy people at the table and I can pontificate for hours. We wonder, will they put in metal detectors and how do you screen for long-term grudges? We know Pat is on the verge of the XXX Factor and we will stay watching. There will be the time when he decks a member of the audience. Please Pat. I need it for the conversation.
- John Masterson
Sunday Independent
