Tolerable dandy one day, insufferable sissy the next – and women are the losers
They’re petulant as princesses, demanding as despots and know their way around the Clarins counter considerably better than they do any B&Q. Needy and vain, their egos are on a permanent slow puncture and must be reinflated with flattery and obeisance.
Welcome to modern men – the metrosexual monsters we have created. According to a new survey, a horrifying one in five women claims their partner is so high-maintenance that he spends longer in the bathroom than they do, throws a strop if his text goes unanswered for more than two minutes and refuses to wear unbranded clothes.
Brad Pitt in Fight Club or Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen? I know which one I’d choose…
The battle of the sexes is being fought on all fronts, and all I can say is: ladies, I hope we win. Because given this generation of Regency fops who are too prissy to go camping, or even to the corner shop without the judicious application of Garnier Fructis hair gel, I fear for the future of our species. It’s a fact (a fact, I tell you) that metrosexuals tend to be considerably more metro than sexual.
“Women are getting quite confused about men who appear to be taking their role in relationships,” says men’s personal stylist Daniel Johnson, who takes clients shopping at a cost of £1,000 a day.
“Five years ago, when I started out in the business, most men didn’t know much about style, they just wanted to look smart. But these days they are getting pickier and pickier. Shopping for shoes with them is a nightmare.”
With great prescience, London-based Johnson has just written a book entitled What Girls Want Men to Wear. His research threw up some interesting findings.
“There’s a real trend among men to wax their entire bodies, which their women don’t like, as they feel that it is if not actually feminine, then certainly not very masculine. But the reason guys are doing it is because removing hair gives greater muscle definition, so they look leaner and stronger at the gym.”
Alarmingly, it seems the truism that women dress to impress other women has been taken on by men, who are increasingly determined to demonstrate their alpha status with £10,000 Tom Ford suits, as worn by Daniel Craig playing Bond.
That’s all very well in the boardroom, but what about the bedroom? Sad to say, any man who cares more about his monthly pedicure than your finely turned ankles is probably going to be a bit of a – how can I put it delicately? – narcissist between the sheets.
Couples shouldn’t be in competition for eye-lift cream. No good will come of hunter gatherers who have been reduced to insisting on clean worktops and bottled water.
Such a preoccupation with appearances is against nature. (Well, strictly speaking it’s not, as it is the male of most species who goes to great pains to impress the female with displays of his flouncy lyre bird plumage, his bulging frog’s vocal sac or indeed his blue monkey buttocks.) But men – and specifically but not exclusively British men – need to put their proverbial monkey buttocks back into their trousers and stop checking their reflections in the kettle. Why? Because their sissification has gone too far.
There’s a crucial difference between the manly grooming of George Clooney – crisp white shirt, stubble rash on every woman he touches – and the unmanly titivation of Shane Warne, whose transformation from Crocodile Dundee to Domesticated Dandy in the hands of Liz Hurley must surely be in contravention of some sort of human right.
David Beckham is metrosexuality personified, but when the likes of Gordon Ramsay, a chap with a face craggier than the Grand Canyon, admits to Botox à la Simon Cowell, i