It was the youngest who answered when they rang.
“The Independent want you to do an online blog.”
“Blog?! About what?”
“They want you to talk about what you want for Mother’s Day.“
I was about to say that what I wanted was to not have to do any online blog but I said nothing. The Indo might be a handy crowd to know.
But then I was worried about Online and the comments they’d be writing. They’d tear into you at the drop of a hat. I was reading this thing about Whatshisname, the fella that does that show. What’s it called? The reality thing where they have to try and – ah .. I’ll think of it again
Anyway, someone had written below the article: “sick of this talentless nobody. ENOUGH ALREADY”
I asked the youngest why they’d be so angry about everything. “
“Haters gonna hate” says she. I don’t know WHERE she gets the lingo from.
And the other thing Online, you have all this identity theft and these hackers. They’d be going on about it on the radio. It happened to poor Josie Scannell.
They rang her up out of the blue. Don’t ask me who They were. Some crowd of flybynights.
“Your laptop is infected. We need to kill the virus” they said.
Of course poor Josie is in her eighties and doesn’t know a bit about hackers or viruses or anything and she was all set to tell them every bank card number she had when her eldest came in. Donal is his name. He works for that Pharmaceutical Crowd. Ah you DO know him! Anyway Donal comes in and says to Josie, “Mammy give me the phone”.
Donal was well-clued into this craic and well ... the ROAR he let out of him.
“Shag off with yere techsupport” he says “ye shower of hoors.”
I’d say they’d never been called hoors before.
And now of course Josie is the expert on identity theft. “You’d want to watch yourself missus” she says to me.
“Tis all hacklers”. ‘Hacklers’ she calls them. She’s gas.
Now where was I – oh yes what would I like for Mother’s Day?
Well, if That Boy did a small bit of study over the weekend I’d be a very happy mammy. I went into him the other day and there he was on the iPad playing with his ‘Flappy Bird’ yoke.
“I’ll ‘Flappy Bird’ you” I says. “Messing with that and you supposed to be doing your Macbeth Past Papers”
“I’m just taking a break Mammy” he said. “I need to relax as well.”
“Too relaxed you are” I said. “You were fine and relaxed before the Mocks as well and look where that got you. You’ll be relaxing on the dole the way you’re going.”
And then the eldest girl is Outnaustralia. A Skype home would be enough of a present for me. I have to find out everything on Facebook.
“Having a blast! BBQ tomoz and den de beach” says she the other day.
I’ve a feeling she has A Fella there but I can’t tell from Facebook. I probably know him. Half the Town is gone out. I hope to God tisn’t the Deasy lad. I see him in all the photos. A bigger eejit I never saw. But she’s young I suppose. And he might have grown up a bit.
I’ll tell you what I don’t want: a scarf. I have a bag of scarves ready to go to the Vincent De Paul. A Nice Card will do me grand. I can be reading it when I have my feet up for the day. The youngest tells me she and her brother going to make dinner. If he’ll get away from his Flappy Bird. I might get a few frozen pizzas just to be on the safe side. Ah they mean well. They’re not the worst of them.
In conversation with Colm O’Regan
www.colmoregan.com and www.twitter.com/@colmoregan
Colm O’Regan is at Ballymaloe House with his show ireland’s Got Mammies. Tickets ballymaloe.ie