Sunday Oct 21 2007

'FEMALE sexuality'; what is it about these words that has people in the Noughties running for cover? They feel like two of the naughtiest words in the English language.

What was your immediate reaction when you came across these two little words? Fear, embarrassment, curiosity, interest, boredom? Worry that you're about to read a treatise on female hormones on the rampage? Or a ball-breaking, anti-men piece dealing with -- dare I mention the war? -- the sexual repression of women?

Female sexual desire has hobbled, over the dying body of the feminist movement, in its high-heeled Jimmy Choos, out of the public sphere and back into the closet, bolting the door behind it. Why, dare I ask, has it done this just as the general populace wakes up to the fact that the female sex drive is every bit as strong as its male counterpart?

Why is one of Hollywood's most iconic portrayals of female sexuality a fake? A glorious fake, but a fake nonetheless. Meg Ryan's scene in When Harry met Sally where she demonstrates publicly how women can convincingly fake orgasm -- has lodged forever in our collective consciousness.

Her noisy performance in the diner as Sally Allbright is a brilliantly executed and amazingly powerful cinematic moment, but, when it comes down to it, it's all about how women don't really enjoy sex. What gives?

Not only is female sexuality up there with religion and politics as a topic you can no longer discuss in polite company (everything else, up to and including colonic irrigation, is OK it seems), but our collective ignorance of the subject runs deep.

It is a well-kept secret, for example, that heterosexual women enjoy watching soft porn involving other women.

You didn't know that? Neither did I, until very recently, but my findings are backed up by a reputable academic study.

The unlikely genesis of my enlightenment on the multi-faceted nature of female desire was some lively banter around the dinner table, in mixed company, on a night out with fellow Sunday Independent journalists.

It was late enough in the evening for the conversation to have turned risque, and one of the reporters of the male variety asked the women present whether or not they'd enjoy watching a bit of girl-on-girl action (and he wasn't suggesting that we all go back to his gaffe to watch some porn. At least, I think not...). The women -- all heterosexual -- agreed that, yes, that would be quite nice and yes, we would enjoy it.

We women then laughingly asked the men if a bit of girl-on-girl action would gladden their hearts. and the reaction, predictably, was something along the lines of: is the Pope a Catholic?

With all due respect to our gay brethren, watching men-on-men action got a resounding thumbs down from both sexes.

The resounding "yes, yes, yes" from all the women (myself included) to erotica involving other females surprised me, and I decided to carry out some research to reassure myself that my colleagues and I weren't sexual deviants. Perish the thought! As it turns out, we were entirely normal.

A study by the prestigious Northwestern University in the US found

that both heterosexual and lesbian women tend to become aroused by both male and female erotica, and thus have "a bisexual arousal pattern". In a nutshell, heterosexual women get just as turned on by watching "female stimuli" as "male stimuli", even through they prefer men as their sexual partners.

To boot, one straight female friend of mine recently kissed another woman for the first time after a few two many G&Ts and reported back that it was "surprisingly nice".

In contrast, the male sexual arousal pattern holds no surprises: straight men enjoy watching females, and gay men enjoy watching other men.

Sexual explorations aside for a moment, I believe an important factor in our society's attitude to female sexuality is the legacy of our sexually repressed past.

A couple of weeks ago one (male) columnist for the Irish Independent opened his daily column with the lines, "Let's be honest for a minute. All men are secretly terrified of women and the power their breasts hold over us."

An obviously tongue-in-check piece followed, with a playful reference to "filthy temptresses" thrown in for good measure -- but was he on to something?

I believe that the majority of Irish men are, indeed, secretly terrified of women ... and the sexuality that comes with them. They also tend to divide women simplistically into "those that do, and those that don't".

When I was single, I was always in the "those that don't" category. Not because of any religious beliefs, but because, in the Eighties (and, of course, there were exceptions), "nice girls" just didn't.

I remember one boyfriend I was going out with when I was quite young wanting to call it a day after a few months. When I asked him if the lack of sexual action was a factor, the scoundrel told me -- with admirable honesty -- that, yes, it was. I have since forgiven him, and I never regretted not sleeping with him as I just wasn't ready -- even though he was my first love and I had been fairly smitten.

It was only in the Nineties that sleeping with the boyfriend became the done thing. Do I regret not sowing my wild oats? No, not really.

One other theory I have as to why female sexuality is buried in this country is linked to that icon of Irish womanhood, the Irish Mammy.

Now, the Irish Mammy is probably the most asexual creature on this earth, obsessed as she is with her children and the house and indeed, enquiring after the bowel movements of her grown-up offspring. Bless!

Imagine the sheer horror experienced by an Irish son or daughter who came home to find "The Mammy" in flagrante delicto with that fine specimen, the Irish Daddy. Size 16 Bridget Jones underwear aside, the very idea is just a step too far for even the sickest person's imagination.

But, maybe, all is not yet lost. Journalist and writer Siobhan Cronin, in the guest columnist slot for the Irish Independent Weekend magazine last week, talked openly about her sex drive. "When it comes to relationships, I am definitely the one in the trousers. My turbo-charged libido is the stuff of legend among my less energetic exes," she wrote.

I greatly admire her candour, while at the same time envying her her libido -- being in possession of a reasonably healthy but pretty average one myself.

It is high time female sexuality tottered in its Christian Louboutins back out of that closet. After all, it is not only an important part of women's (and men's) lives, but it is a force to be reckoned with in the economy.

Women are the biggest spenders -- and a huge proportion of their hard-earned money goes on making themselves look good. If anyone thinks for a moment that all the manic spending on clothes, make-up and cosmetic surgery isn't intrinsically linked to sex, then they are sorely mistaken.

"Female" and "sexuality" may be the two naughtiest words in the English language, but shouldn't they be reclaimed as among the nicest?

Download our Free iPhone App Now