By Sue Leonard
Monday Apr 21 2008

Cath* still remembers the first sign that her husband had lost his sex drive. She remembers where they were, when it was and how she felt -- though at the time Cath had no idea it was anything more than temporary, no inkling it would lead to their separation.

"We were in Spain, staying with my parents, and I was three months pregnant," says Cath, 35, a full-time mother of three. "It was hot, we were relaxed, but when I initiated sex I could tell Jim* wasn't interested. It was like he wasn't enjoying it, like he was making an effort. At first I thought it was because my parents were there -- but it hadn't bothered him before."

When Cath asked what was wrong Jim said he was uncomfortable making love while Cath was pregnant.

"I felt a jolt, a bit rejected, but I reasoned he was being extra-paternal, extra-protective."

Sex stopped completely for the rest of the pregnancy.

"I didn't mind because I got quite ill and tired," says Cath, "but it was a change. We'd been married 12 years, and in all that time our sex life had been very active, one of the most important parts of our relationship.

"We'd lived quite a hedonistic lifestyle and, though the pregnancy was planned, we pretty much went from sex, drugs and rock'n'roll to a life that revolved around twin babies and nothing else."

When Cath and the boys came home from hospital Jim moved into the guest room, as new fathers often do, to get enough sleep for work.

"After about two months, I went into his room one night and he basically said no," recalls Cath. Jim worked hard in a stressful sales job and was a dutiful dad, taking the boys out every Sunday to give Cath a break and getting home each evening at 7pm to take over.

But from that point on "he never came near me, or made any signs that he wanted sex," says Cath. "And when I tried to talk about it he wouldn't."

Loss of libido isn't a problem we associate with men. According to stereotype, if men have a sexual problem, it's that they can't get enough, while women are the ones who invent headaches and feign sleep.

In fact, this isn't true. A recent major British sex-therapy study found that, for half of the couples who attended counselling, the problem involved the man -- most commonly lack of desire or erectile dysfunction.

Nina Bryant, a psychosexual therapist with 18 years experience, has found it increasingly common. "When I started in this field, it was rare for a man to report a lack of interest in sex," she says. "Now, it makes about a third of my case-load."

There could be many reasons for this. Perhaps we are better at talking about it -- the caring, sharing New Man feels more comfortable coming forward.

But there is also a feeling among professionals that we are expecting more of ourselves, and men, like women, are feeling the pressure.

"We want a lot from men these days," says the sex and relationship psychologist Petra Boynton. "They're meant to be not only breadwinners, but also doting, hands-on dads who deliver mind-blowing orgasms. Men are expected to want sex from puberty to death but, in reality, a man's sex drive can fluctuate for all the reasons a woman's can. It could be that he's stressed, unhappy, tired or under pressure at work."

Gina Ogden, a clinical sex therapist with 25 years' experience and the author of Women Who Love Sex, agrees. "We call it men's 'sex drive' as if they're cars with a certain number of pistons thrusting them forward at all times. Actually, it's about desire, expectation and emotion, and naturally that can ebb, flow and sometimes plummet."

It's not hard to find evidence of the plummet. The website Mumsnet -- popular with mothers of young children -- has numerous messages with titles such as 'Partner doesn't want sex any more' and 'Sexless marriage'. One desperate entry reads, "I asked him if he wanted to fix the problem but he said he wasn't bothered and that, at 43, he has had more than his 'share' of sex. This absolutely crucified me, especially as I'm not yet 30 ... "

In another a mother appeals for advice. "I feel bad even typing this about my husband," she writes, "as he is the most caring, kind, generous, loving, thoughtful man I know ... There is just one problem for me, and that is we have only had sex once in the past year."

The first person to respond says, "My marriage is the same except we haven't had sex for 12 years. Yes, you read that right."

For many such women, quite apart from missing the sex, there's the feeling it must be their fault. "If it's the woman making the advances and the man holding back, it seems unnatural," says Gina Ogden.

"We think he must be looking elsewhere or that there's something wrong with us. Women feel rejected and terrible."

This was certainly true for Cath. "I made such an effort -- I'd put on make-up before Jim came home, do my hair, but he never noticed," she says.

"I'd put on so much weight with the twins and, though I lost a lot of it, I wasn't a size eight any more. I kept asking if it was my body, but he'd never answer.

"I think weight was part of it, but also stress and exhaustion. He'd never been the sole breadwinner before; suddenly there were four of us to support. We were tired, there was no fun in our lives, it was just work, sleeping, feeding and babies. Once in a while I'd have a meltdown and threaten to leave if we didn't have sex. Then Jim would try -- though once he couldn't get an erection and that was heartbreaking."

According to Boynton, focusing on the sex -- though hard to avoid -- is the worst response .

"Don't buy naughty knickers and sex toys," she says. "Women often try to fix the bedroom first, when that's rarely the cause. Whether it's been two weeks, two months or two years since you last did it, if it bothers you, the best start is to tell him," she says. "Ask if there's anything he wants to talk about and tell him you miss it -- tell him that you're frightened."

In many cases the man is likely to be frightened, too, says Nina Bryant. "They know they don't feel like they used to and they're probably not sure everything is functioning as it should be. The more men worry, the harder it is for them to perform, and that anxiety can be quite insidious."

According to Bryant, it's helpful first to make sure there is nothing physically wrong. It's estimated that one in two men will suffer impotence at some point in their lives, and occasionally this can be a marker for diabetes or heart disease. It's also exacerbated by smoking and drinking. A number of straightforward tests can be carried out by a GP.

In America, loss of libido in men is often attributed to the age-related drop in testosterone and treated with hormone supplements. Testosterone levels fluctuate, so it is hard to measure or prove a 'drop'. In addition, some men enjoy an active sex life yet record low levels of the hormone, while others have higher levels but a lower sex drive. Here the advice, once you have a clean bill of health, is to talk.

For Cath it was Jim's refusal to communicate that ultimately destroyed their marriage.

"He sent me to madness and back," she says. "The man who was supposed to love me found me repulsive, so I felt repulsive. For years I was ratty and miserable." When the boys reached three and the pressure eased -- and Cath just about had her old body back -- she returned to her job as a mortgage broker. Their sex life suddenly picked up.

"Jim was back to the old Jim, and in about two months I was pregnant again," says Cath.

"I was overjoyed -- it turned out to be the girl I'd wanted -- but Jim was totally freaked out. He was upset, angry, stressed. While I was pregnant I tried to initiate sex once and he rejected me. By then he'd done enough damage. I wasn't going to let him drag me down that low again."

They are now separated.

* Cath and Jim aren't their real names

‘I tell myself, ‘You can’t have everything’’

Susan and Paul* are a couple who have faced the problem of his lack of desire for sex -- but they have stayed together.

On the face of it they have a perfect partnership. Married for six years with one son, they run their own business and spend their free time cycling, climbing, trekking and sailing.

To all who know them they are affable, contented -- almost, in the nicest possible way, the smug marrieds.

However, they have sex only once or twice a year -- and it bothers Susan.

"When we met we had quite a lot of sex, though probably not as much as I'd had in the past," says Susan, 42. "I didn't mind, as I thought Paul was the kindest, funniest man I'd ever met and being with him felt so right."

Before they married they went for counselling, on Susan's insistence.

"Paul was very open and said he just didn't have a very high sex drive," she says.

"He loves me and wants me to be happy but in his long list of things to do in life -- run the business, do the washing, buy a house in the country, climb Mount Everest -- sex is pretty low down, if it figures at all.

"From time to time I get upset and Paul makes an effort -- and it really is like he's making an effort -- then it drops off the radar again," she continues.

"There are only so many times you can face bringing it up. In my low moments I feel very tearful -- that being sexual and desirable and desired is behind me already.

"I'm 42 and I can't see anything changing. But most of the time I feel very lucky to have Paul.

"He's faithful, thoughtful, funny -- my best friend and a fantastic dad. There's no sexual passion between us, but lots of love.

"I couldn't stand life without him. So I tell myself, 'You can't have everything'."

* Susan and Paul aren't their real names

‘Not tonight, dear – I’m having a heart attack’

Men living in the commuter belt are increasingly suffering from low libido, according to a top relationship expert.

Gerry Hickey, a Dublin-based counsellor and psychotherapist, says: "Ireland has changed so radically and so fast. The stress of living and commuting is huge. And I've noticed that the commuter belt is more affected by low libido than for those who travel less far to work."

Gerry knows a lot of men who avoid sex. And they feel huge pressure to perform.

"It's become their duty, in much the way it was once a duty for the woman," he says.

"He is tired; he is stressed, and he is expected to perform. That expectation leads to a profound fear of failure."

It doesn't help that so many women, now, outperform men in the workplace.

"There is a change of the balance in relationships, certainly," says Gerry.

"Many women, now, earn more than their husband. It affects men in their mid-thirties to their fifties."

When women don't want sex, they are said to feign a headache. Men tend to be more inventive.

"They may turn to alcohol and use that as an excuse. They'll say, 'I am stressed. You have no idea what is going in at work'. I know one man who has practically faked a heart attack to avoid 'doing his duty'.

"Impotence is a factor," he says. "It is not permanent or clinical, but may be purely psychological. Men have a massive fear of failure.

"Women may crave love and affection, and men may mistake that for sex.

"Men don't understand intimacy. He sees love as sex, and as nothing to do with being intimate, loving and holding.

"The stress in our lives has destroyed intimacy," he says.

"It has become a situation of all or nothing. Guys are afraid they will fail, so they avoid intimacy altogether."

- Sue Leonard

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