Love Dilemmas: Will she be put off by my man girdle?
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Tuesday December 09 2008
Dr Victoria Lukats is a psychiatrist and an expert on relationships and dating. Today, she offers advice to a man who worries his new woman will be turned off by the belly he has been hiding.
Dear Victoria,
I'm in my early forties, a standard-size man with a 40in chest. I’m just under 6 foot and weigh 84Kg. Like most men of my age I've developed a bit of middle-aged spread.
I could spend four hours or so in the gym each week to try to put right years of crisps and beer, but instead I decided to go for the easier option - a quick fix of a lycra sports top that goes under your shirt and pulls and pushes you in in all the right places. It transformed me from Brian Cowen to Simon Cowell in a matter of seconds - after a bit of squeezing and puffing to get it on.
My motivation for my new shape was a new lady friend. The sports top has done the trick each time we've been out, six or so times now. I think we are both at a stage where we’d like things to get more intimate, but I'm worried that she will wonder what contraption I've got on under my shirt, and that she’ll be shocked by my blubber if we get down to basics.
What's should a man do in these circumstances?
Dr Victoria replies:
You're right to give this some consideration at this stage. It's impossible to second guess her reaction if she were to see you in your lycra corset but in all likelihood she might be a little perturbed. Enough to make her walk away and never want to see you again - who knows? I expect you don't really want to take that risk. A garment like this is strictly for wearing under your clothes when you know no-one is going to see it.
The problem is - rightly or wrongly - it might be ok for a woman to wear lycra pants that hold it all in but people just don't expect a man to be wearing things like that. You could spend a long time debating the various aspects of gender stereotyping but it still isn't going to change anything right now.
The risk is that your new love interest might think it all a little vain, self-absorbed or just plain weird. Even if she can't quite put her finger on why she feels it's strange, it's unlikely that she's going to find it alluring seeing you in your lycra suit.
Basically, to play it safe, you're probably going to have to bin the lycra suit or reserve it for special occasions - at least at this early stage in the relationship.
Firstly, perhaps you should consider the possibility that you're over-emphasising the dramatic transformation this garment has on your physique. Ok - so it may smooth out the lumps and bumps but it's unlikely it makes you look 2 stone thinner.
Secondly, according to surveys of what women find attractive in a man, they don't rate good looks as highly as men do. Women are more likely to be attracted by personal qualities such as kindness, honesty, a sense of humour, a great smile and ambition.
Loosing a few inches of your waistline is unlikely to have the dramatic effect on women you might imagine. Being confident, self-assured, relaxed and able to laugh, however, may well do.
On your next date, do away with the lycra top, but make sure you're wearing something flattering and stylish that will make you feel confident.
If you want to ask Dr Lukats's advice send an email to drvictoria@independent-digital.com . Please bear in mind she cannot enter into private correspondence and cannot answer all questions. Any advice given will be published on the website (personal details will not be published).
Dr Victoria works with PARSHIP the company that powers our dating service. Take our free scientific compatibility test to find someone who is really right for you with Independent Singles online dating, click here.
