Dr Victoria Lukats is a psychiatrist and an expert on relationships and dating. Today, she advises a woman who wants to know how to move things forward with her newly single colleague.

I'm in my mid 20's and I'm confused as to how to approach a situation with this guy I work with.

We are very close, I feel comfortable around him but I also want to make an effort so that he notices me. He has been in a relationship with another woman for three years though, so nothing has ever happened between the two of us except for the odd close call when we are drunk.

He has recently broken up with her though. He said that things have been difficult between the two of them for some time and that ending the relationship was the best thing for the both of them.

I think that things between us could blossom, but I don't want to make a move too soon. Is there an unspoken time limit before you can hit on a guy after a break-up?

Victoria replies:

First of all, give him a little bit of breathing space. If you're at his beck and call, constantly there as a shoulder to cry on, jumping to attention whenever he wants to go out and have some fun, you may make yourself an easy target for his amorous affections, but it's hardly the way to make a man want a serious relationship with you, let alone fall in love with you. Spend a little time with him, have fun and chat to him in a friendly way, but don't go obviously out of your way too much. You don't want to look like you're trying too hard.

I'm making the assumption here that it's a relationship you're looking for with this man – not just a quick fling or a series of one night stands. If it's the latter, then you needn't worry about waiting – I'm sure he'll gladly reciprocate. But from what you say, you've got to know him over some time and you've developed real feelings for him.

The question now is this: does he feel the same about you? If so, this could even be part of the reason he split up with his girlfriend? And is he now ready and wanting to move on to another relationship?

If it was him who ended the relationship with his girlfriend, he may not be all that hurt over the break up. He may not even feel there's much to “get over”. In that case, you don't need to hold back too much. But you need to judge this for yourself. If he's still grieving the end of the relationship, things to look for would be a need to constantly talk about his ex and how he feels about it all now. Or maybe he might throw himself into work or partying with such ferocity that you feel he must be trying to bury how he feels.

But don't assume that just because this was a three year relationship, he must automatically be devastated and not in any fit state for a relationship. Or that any new relationship now can only be some sort of rebound fling. It's simply not always the case. Real life isn't as cut and dried as that.

If he is still badly hurt, there's no magic number of months you need to wait, but you'll need to be more cautious. You don't need to subject him to endless questions or give him a hard time in order to check he's ready for a relationship, but simply judge things on his actions and whether he's still preoccupied with his ex. If you start dating, it usually becomes apparent within a matter of weeks if a man is acting like someone who wants a relationship with you.

Look for things like whether he's interested in you as a person, whether he checks you got home safely, texting you and calling you between dates, the contents of his texts not being just sexual, making arrangements for another date soon after the last, giving you compliments, being reliable not going silent for days on end, wanting to take you on nice dates to different places rather than just going round to his place and ending up in bed.

If things are already warm and heating up between you, if you go completely cold now he'll assume you're not interested. But equally, don't feel you need to make all the moves. Just being chatty with him, interested in him and fun to be around will be enough. If he does then ask you out for a drink, go along and just play it by ear. Clearly, he's already on good enough terms with you to tell you what has been going on and why he split up with his ex. So if he feels the same as you, it should be a fairly natural progression to move on to being more than good friends. If he finds you attractive and you're on friendly speaking terms, it's very unlikely you'll need to make a move – at least not an obvious one.

If you want to ask Dr Lukats's advice send an email to drvictoria@independent-digital.com . Please bear in mind she cannot enter into private correspondence and cannot answer all questions. Any advice given will be published on the website (personal details will not be published).

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