My boyfriend's going away but won't take me
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Monday Jun 2 2008
Q:My boyfriend is going to be away for most of the summer, and I won't see him for ages, and he's acting like he doesn't care at all. He doesn't seem to acknowledge that I have feelings too, and I am beginning to wonder whether he likes me as much as I like him.
His family is really good friends with the family of a girl in my class (she's a big flirt), and they are all going to spend July in their villa in Spain. Because the dads play golf together and their mothers hang out, I know that my boyfriend is going to end up spending his entire time with her. She makes me feel sick -- she is so full of herself. I'm the one who should be going on holiday with him, not her.
What's worse is that my boyfriend doesn't think there's anything wrong and he says he can't do anything about it, but I don't think he has even tried. I know that their parents are friends, and they don't know my parents -- so what? That doesn't mean I can't go with them.
Then I said that he could stay here with me instead but he just laughed and said he'd be mad to miss his holidays, and that his parents wouldn't let him stay here anyway. But we'd have a free house and everything. It would be perfect but I don't think that he's taking me seriously.
I don't trust this girl at all. They have all been away on holidays together before (the year before last) and I think they were sort of together then. She acts like she has some sort of claim on him and that I'm nothing, even though we've been going out for nearly six months.
I'm 15 and she's 16 and I bet she would love to get her claws into him. He's really good looking and she'll get to hang out with him every day.
I feel like booking myself a ticket and just turning up in Spain. I don't see why she can be with him and I can't.
Aimee, Dublin 6.
A: Ah, the course of young love never does runs smooth -- 15 and 16-year-olds and a summer of separation, oh the romance and intensity of it all!
Your dilemma is that you will be separated from each other for a few weeks, and that is difficult enough for you to contemplate without the added irritant of another girl possibly stepping in for you.
You have my sympathy. A 16-year-old boy, a bikini-clad girl and lots of opportunity -- it doesn't take a genius to work out why you are upset.
Don't worry, I am not going to lecture you on the importance of trust in your relationship, you either know your boyfriend or you don't.
To me, the worst thing about this is how your boyfriend is dealing with your feelings. He appears to be either laughing at you or ignoring you -- no wonder you are unhappy.
If I were cynical (perish the thought), I would say welcome to the real world of interaction between men and women!
Seriously though, while he is acting insensitively, it has to be said that you are acting obsessively, and this is a bad combination.
If the relationship is so meaningful to you, then it is worth putting in an effort. This means less fighting and moaning and more acceptance.
The facts are clear and you can't change them: the holiday arrangement is a family-led thing and nothing to do with you.
If he hasn't asked for you to come along, then he either doesn't want you to (in which case you need to ask yourself why), or he knows that it is out of his hands. You will simply have to accept it.
As regards asking him to stay at home, that is immature of you, it's unlikely to happen and highly ill advised.
As for hopping on a plane and turning up in Spain, that sort of irrational behaviour will not endear you to your boyfriend's parents and would probably destroy your relationship, not to mention making you feel ultimately very silly indeed.
There is an answer Aimee, one which may lighten your load a little.
Force yourself to accept that he will be away for a month and plan things to keep yourself busy.
You could accept that he will be tempted (as you may be), and perhaps you could both agree to take a break for the summer, so that recriminations will not become part of any future relationship. It would be a mature solution, and perhaps worth the gamble.
Try to make him see that you are very unhappy because you will miss him. Focus on this rather than the fear of what he may get up to. If the relationship is genuinely worth it, he will care enough about you to reassure you.
Otherwise, this may be the best opportunity of all to make a clean break and to get on with enjoying your own summer and your own life, rather than focusing on him and his family.
Try to remember that relationships are supposed to make you feel happier and more secure, not more anxious.
Have a good summer.
Aoife
