As a new marriage guide for unhappy spouses is published, Caitriona Palmer looks at how relationship counselling is taking off in Ireland and whether it can help those in trouble

Madonna and Guy Ritchie have done it. So has Friends star, Courteney Cox-Arquette. And Grey's Anatomy actor, Patrick Dempsey, swears it has done wonders for his marriage.

Marriage counselling, once an embarrassing admission of failure between couples, is now a popular way for Irish couples to maintain a healthy union amidst the stresses and strains of modern life.

While divorce rates rose 70pc from 2002 to 2006, the number of couples seeking marriage counselling has dramatically increased in recent years.

"It has leaped. We used to do 10,000 sessions a year, then 20,000. And now it's up to 30,000," said John Farrelly, director of counselling at Accord, one of the largest marriage counselling agencies in the country.

"In terms of our waiting list, we are out the door," he said. "We're absolutely out the door."

Concerned by skyrocketing divorce rates in the UK, the Church of England last month introduced its guide to the perfect marriage -- the first-ever attempt by the church to offer marital advice long after happy couples had left the altar.

Nearly one in four children in Britain now live in single-parent families and while the number of divorces in Britain peaked in 1993 at 180,000, there were 167,000 divorces in 2004.

Called Growing Together, the 120-page guide suggests a myriad of ways for couples to achieve marital bliss -- from saving for the future to deciding who should clean the toilet.

It also makes a foray into the bedroom, encouraging couples to open up about sex and discuss their biggest "turn-ons" and "turn-offs".

"Sex, far from being naughty, is something holy and wonderful and something to be celebrated. Like any other skill, it has to be learned, and their task is to be each other's teacher," says the guide.

It adds: "A person from a prudish kind of home may find living with a partner who comes from a home where nudity and openness about sex is normal quite a threat."

A healthy sex life also requires time, something in short supply for stressed-out couples burdened with demanding jobs, long work hours and young children.

According to Farrelly, Ireland's prosperity is partly to blame for putting strains on couples as he says work has come to dominate people's lives, leaving little time for cultivating marital bonds.

More than 70pc of the couples who arrive at Accord offices across the country have both spouses working full-time.

"The bottom line in a marriage is that you need time, you need presence," said Farrelly, who has also written a best-selling book called The Good Marriage Guide.

With people paying more attention to their handheld devices than to their spouses, the simple act of conversing and listening to loved ones gets pushed aside, he said.

"People go to work, arrive home, use the microwave, use their laptop and use their blackberry," says Farrelly. "By the time the man or the woman gets around to actually being present with their family, they're probably asleep. Then it all starts over again."

A majority of those seeking counselling have young children, with many parents feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the burden of running a full household.

"Most people who come to us have been in the relationship six to 12 years and they have young children," he says.

Run down by middle of the night wake-up calls -- or allowing their children to co-sleep in their beds -- many of these couples are also mourning the loss of their sex lives.

Sex after kids, says Farrelly, usually "falls into the use it or lose it category".

Moving from a couple-focused marriage to one involving children is a difficult transition. But being aware of what's happening -- and being nice to one another while it's happening -- is the key to maintaining a happy marriage, says Farrelly.

"If you are in a committed relationship where you really want to do your best, if you're both working and if you have children under the age of 11 you need to ready yourself for a lot of wobbles along the road," he says. "In their mind, people think, 'this shouldn't happen.' But the simple fact is, it does happen. And it happens to all marriages."

Famed American researcher John Gottman -- who claims to be able to predict divorce in his clients with incredible accuracy -- warns couples to avoid the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" -- criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Couples who demonstrate a high level of these in their marriage are in big trouble, according to Gottman.

Instead, he suggests partners bring up problems gently without hostility, to emphasize the positive and for husbands in particular to be open to their wives' feelings.

When divorce was introduced into Ireland in 1997 it came with a stipulation that couples who approached a solicitor to obtain divorce proceedings must obtain a referral for relationship counselling by their lawyer.

Now, only 1pc of Accord's clients are referred by a solicitor's office. But 10pc are referred by their doctor. "So if your marriage is in trouble you're better off going to your doctor than a solicitor," said Farrelly.

It remains unclear whether all the marital advice will stem the rising rate of divorce, but those engaged in the counselling insist it works and helps ease pressures.

"We did research on 3,000 couples and we found that it definitely reduced the stress levels in 60pc of couples," said Farrelly. "It provides a safe place where -- and this is the trick -- hope can be restored, healing can begin and love can grow again."

Top 10 tips to ensure you stay a happy couple

Here's a list of the top 10 tips for a healthy marriage -- in no particular order -- from some top relationship experts:

1. Never go to bed angry. Resolve your arguments before you turn out the light at night. Things will look a whole lot better in the morning.

2. Communication is crucial. Don't bury your frustrations. Create a safe environment so you can talk -- and listen -- openly to each other.

3. Your marriage is between you and your partner -- don't let anyone else come between you and your spouse.

4. Share financial responsibility. Open up a joint bank account and plan a budget.

5. Divvy up household and parenting responsibilities. You're less likely to feel resentful if you know in advance whose turn it is to do the laundry.

6. Edit yourself. According to marriage expert, John Gottman, the happiest couples are those who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics or arguing.

7. Be affectionate -- not just sexually intimate. Stay connected to each other by a hug, a kiss, a pat on the back, or just a kind word.

8. Don't let an argument get out of control. Back down, use humour, a caring remark -- 'I understand that this is hard for you'. If tempers flare, take a 20-minute break and return to the topic when you're calm.

9. Prioritise each other -- especially if you have young kids. Take time out for some adult conversation, a walk, a quiet dinner.

10. If you think your marriage is in trouble, get help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking marital help.

- Caitriona Palmer