Tuesday Sep 23 2008

So you've just been dumped. We figure you've got three choices. You can embrace cliché by donning the universal break-up uniform PJs, pulling the curtains and wailing your way through the world's worst weepies for a week -- before resolving to stop shaving your legs and adopt a cat since you're never going to find a man anyway.

Altogether more satisfying though, is the Fatal Attraction response. Short of making a stew of the family pet, taking a blunt instrument to his coveted Star Wars collection or 'accidentally' forwarding that bitchy email about his boss to the entire office is usually just as sweet and not as messy.

Revenge meets rebounding with the final Gloria Gaynor-esque girl power approach to heartbreak -- involving a scandalously short skirt and the first beefy bloke to enter your peripheral vision as your spud head ex looks on slack-jawed down the pub on Friday night.

But dumper or dumpee, now a new book has offered girls a far more dignified fourth way to survive becoming single.

A Modern Girl's Guide to the Perfect Single Life teaches loveless ladies how to paddle their own canoe with panache. From ditching a no-good guy to revisiting the muppet-infested waters of dating, the sassy survival guide explores the highs and lows of single life.

Breaking up is hard to do, but at least author Sarah Ivens got a book deal out of it. The editor of the US edition of OK! magazine penned the companion for single girls after weathering a run of failed relationships.

"The book came about when I suddenly found myself single again at 31," Ivens revealed. "After two long-term relationships I didn't quite know how to handle it. I love being settled, having regular sex and someone to come home to. But when I began to feel used, abused and let down, I made tough decisions to go it alone.

"I decided that the best way to deal with it was with a sense of humour and confidence that 'This too shall pass'."

The heartbreak handbook is brimming with confidence-boosting tips that will steer girls through singledom with a smile. It includes first-hand advice from the author on everything from eating out for one to satisfying your libido solo.

But the glamorous editor reckons it takes guts to decide to go it alone.

"Whether it's the simple feeling of missing someone to hold you or someone to help you pay the mortgage, being single means putting yourself out there in the world more than when you are with a partner.

"Relationships are fabulous for their security. If you've got a good man, you know you have someone out there who's on your team, puts you first and loves you more than anyone else on earth.

"When you're single, your world doesn't have the wonderful monotony of coupledom, where a girl knows that even if her man is insensitive or a bit of a twat, he's her insensitive twat -- and she has someone to go on holiday with."

But the author, who's originally from London, urged gloomy girlfriends not to let fear of the unknown override their better judgment about a dead-end relationship.

"I've left a marriage and dissolved a live-in relationship in a strange city rather than feel second best," she said. "And I've never regretted either of those moves because I know I deserve better.

"Yes it was scary, but it was also liberating. I've had times when being single made me feel 10 years younger than I felt even in the best moments of my previous relationships."

The bed may feel cold and the fridge look empty at first, but a relationship sabbatical is also a ready-made excuse to spoil yourself, whether it's jetting off on a whim to or just eating chocolate in bed.

"Being single means you can be selfish," Ivens agreed. "You can put yourself first, not your partner.

"I decided to make an attempt to fill all the missing gaps in my life and personality before moving into another relationship.

"I spent 12 months on my own and I can honestly say I loved it. I climbed Machu Picchu, went on a yoga retreat to Mexico, made new friendships and ended bad ones. I spent time clearing out my demons and doing what I needed to do."

Keep the Kleenex handy, though.

"It was tough," she admitted. "My emotions went up and down like crazy. I could have 24 hours of fun followed by a crushing loneliness that made me want to lock myself up in my apartment for the weekend.

"You need to be your own biggest fan -- it will help you keep confident, strong and sane when you haven't got a partner to tell you how fabulous you are."

However, surviving singledom unscathed could have unexpected rewards. After a year spent flying solo, Ivens told how Cupid pointed the-one-that-got-away back in her direction. And the couple are set to tie the knot next year.

"After 12 months alone, an ex from university suddenly came back into my life," she said. "And I found the healthiest love of my life because I'd had the time to think about my needs and desires.

"At the end of the day, we all want to be part of a pair -- to be someone else's number one. But I'm so thrilled I had that time to myself. The aim of the book is to show that you don't have to spend that time being an angst-ridden desperado!"

'A Modern Girl's Guide to the Perfect Single Life', by Sarah Ivens, published by Piatkus, is out now, priced at €9.99.

'Enjoy singledom while you can'

Celeb singleton Michelle Doherty gives indie boys a reason to stay up past their bedtime on trendy Channel 6 music show Night Shift. While early risers can hear her making the Donegal accent sexy on Phantom 105.2FM every weekday morning.

But despite double-jobbing, model Michelle says people still refuse to believe she'd rather be married to her job than a man -- or that she's nothing more than good friends with playboy pal Eddie Irvine.

"The constant speculation and talk about my love life just drives me demented. Can people not just accept that I'm single and I'm happy? Is that so hard to believe?

"I don't buy into the whole idea that I'm a celebrity. I'm just somebody who works on TV -- but for some reason that leads to a constant barrage of questions about the man in my life. It's very bizarre really. And as for being "Eddie Irvine's ex", that was all just so long ago and I can't believe it's still going on. I'd love for everyone just to get over it and talk about something else.

"I guess the only thing that will change that is if I find myself a suitable replacement. But that just hasn't happened yet and -- shock, horror -- I'm OK about it. I'm happy and enjoying myself and my time with my family and friends and if someone special comes into my life than great, if not, that's fine too."

Journalist Karina Corbett (34) set up website Solo-magazine.com in a bid to encourage footloose fellas and single gals to celebrate their relationship status. From flying solo as you socialise to searching for The One, the monthly e-zine delves into the world of going it alone. And Karina reckons singletons should be proud to use the phrase: 'Table for one, please'.

"There are magazines out there for all sorts these days, so I thought why not come up with one for us singletons? More than a million Irish people are unattached and plenty of them are happy to be that way. There are so many dating websites out there -- but nothing that gives the message that it's OK to be single. The aim of the website is to promote the notion that being single is fun. You might not be single forever, so enjoy it while you can. On the other hand, if you do end up on your own then you need to get used to it too.

"Being a single woman these days isn't the negative state it once was. You rarely hear the word 'spinster' used any more, although there are some who still view single women as sad and desperate.

"When you're single you have immense freedom. You can eat when and where you want, you can go for a spontaneous pint after work without worrying about someone waiting for you at home, you can watch whatever you want on TV -- so the girls don't have to suffer through endless rounds of the Champions League and the guys never have to endure an episode of Grey's Anatomy!

"But I think anyone who says they never want to find love is lying -- it's human nature.

"We're not trying to encourage people to stay single forever, just to accept that it's something you've no control over. It would be great to believe that we'll all fall in love and have blissfully happy marriages some day. But there are no guarantees."

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