MY parents are both lovely people, and I've never wanted for anything, so I feel silly talking about my problem with my mother, although it weighs very heavily on me. She drinks. She doesn't drink all the time, probably once or twice a week, but when she does, she invariably gets drunk.

Not a big deal, I suppose, but my childhood is full of memories of my mother, drunk, and my embarrassment -- barbeques during the day and my mother having to be put in a car and taken home, falling off chairs at social occasions, we children being out late at night with her while she was too drunk to find the way home, the examples are endless. She would also be hung-over, and therefore not there. She would come in after a night out and sometimes continue drinking, whatever was in the house. She still does that.

I'm in my mid-20s and I've often tried speaking to my mother about her drinking. She would simply say to me that I drink too, which I do. But I would never want to drink in front of my children, as and when I have some. As you can imagine, the conversations got nowhere. I want a relationship with my mother, but deep down I am so full of resentment, and probably disgust, that I just can't. I can't make myself want to be around her. I dread every family occasion, and therefore avoid them, since it's pretty certain that she will get drunk.

We don't seem to have anything in common. My mother is quite unmotivated, the house tends to be untidy and dirty, and she's not particularly interested in dressing and looking well. I'm quite career-focused, and being house-proud and tidy is very important to me. I like to make an effort. Sometimes I wonder if this is just the problem, that we're just too different? We obviously do have a different outlook on life, as in my mind, being drunk and incoherent with kids in your care just isn't right.

I've contemplated telling my mother how I feel. My problem is that she'll be upset. She's now in her late 50s, and I wonder if I should just let her be. It upsets me that I want to change her, but I can't help how angry and resentful I feel. I have a much better relationship with my father, for whom I have a lot more respect. That said, I feel some resentment towards him, too, for not being a stronger person when it comes to the issue of my mother's drinking. I know it bothers him at times, although not to the same extent as it bothers me.

I see how my friends behave with their mothers, and it upsets me as I want this too. I just wish I could be easy-going about her drinking. Am I being completely unreasonable? Should I just overlook it, and concentrate on bridging the gap between us?

Patricia replies:

YOU are not silly to be so concerned. Your mother's drinking is a very big deal indeed. She's an alcoholic. Alcoholism isn't about drinking every day. It's about abusing alcohol. It's about drinking so much that you fail to act in a responsible manner -- be it minding children, keeping yourself clean, or staying sober enough to look after yourself when you're out and about. Clearly, the whole family has colluded in avoiding this reality. Otherwise you wouldn't be torturing yourself the way you do. So of course you feel resentment towards your father too. He dodged to quite an extraordinary degree, he was central to the family's denial. His failure to name the elephant in the room did you a serious disservice.

You think that fixing your relationship with your mother is down to you. You think that if only you felt differently, acted differently, thought differently, all would be well. That is not so. Your judgement of your mother's behaviour is entirely correct. You can't be easy-going about it. It is totally unacceptable. She's an addict. It is not you who should change, it is she. There is no place for guilt on your part. The responsibility for changing things lies squarely with her.

Alcoholics are not good mothers. They can't be. They fall down on the first principle of parenthood. They don't take care of their kids. You are right to be angry at what happened. Do you understand? It is righteous anger. It means you have a sense of morality, a notion of right and wrong, a concept of basic standards. Your anger means you are a good person.

You are also a misguided person. You can't have a relationship with an alcoholic. They constantly let you down. They constantly let themselves down. To hide from the truth of their addiction, they are also dishonest, both emotionally and intellectually. They manipulate. Otherwise, they would have to face the reality of their drinking, and they don't want to do that.

So I'm sorry to have to say it, but you cannot have what your girl-friends have, namely an ordinary mother/daughter relationship. At least you can't make it happen.

Alcoholics have to decide to stop themselves. Nobody can make them. It's a personal decision. All anyone can do is refuse to collude, refuse to pretend, refuse to enter the alcoholic's world of dishonest denial.

Yes, a certain level of confrontation is appropriate. Certainly you should tell your mother how you feel, if that's what you want to do. Your feelings are entirely legitimate. But don't for one moment think that by talking to her, you can change her. It might help to remove her blinkers. Or it might not. That depends entirely on her.

I'm sorry if all this sounds terribly abrupt and categorical and in-your-face. You are a good person. You should not be beating yourself up. Nor should you doubt the truthfulness of your feelings, just because a legacy of family denial has left you blind. There are support groups for the family members of alcoholics. You'll find them in your local telephone book. Go get some support. You deserve it.

- Patricia Redlich

Sunday Independent