By Additional reporting by Sue Leonard
Thursday Jan 31 2008

Sylvia, 43, has a highly paid job, her husband is supportive and they have two children. She entertains at weekends, enjoys luxury holidays twice a year and has lots of time for her friends.

To those in her circle, she seems to have an enviable life and to have mastered the difficult art of balancing work with home and family. What they don't know is that she has a higher libido than her husband and regularly takes a lover.

Sylvia belongs to a small but growing group of alpha women -- financially independent, confident and uninhibited -- who, like men, have developed a similar pro-active, almost cynical approach to sex. For them, it is no big deal to seek sexual fulfilment outside marriage and they claim to be able to separate lust from love.

"I am one of those women who wants it all,'' she laughs. "My life is very hectic and I thrive on adrenaline. I really enjoy sex, but I don't want any complications. So I am only interested in men, preferably married, who want the same.''

Just how many women today are having sex with men who are not their husband is hard to pin down; no surveys have been carried out in Ireland, but Christine May, from MRCS Counselling Services, believes that an increasing number of Irish women are having affairs.

"They have more opportunity these days," she says. "Especially now that they are out in the workplace."

I talked to almost 100 middle-class professionals, both male and female, who confessed to being unfaithful. What was remarkable was that not one of the women said they felt guilty. And those who believed they might get emotionally involved tried to work out hard-headed strategies of dealing with it.

Although it would seem that no-strings-attached sex is the emotional equivalent of McDonald's -- in that it can satisfy a certain hunger but is quickly forgotten and doesn't do you much good -- many of the women I spoke to saw it as a better option than having an affair with someone they work with, which could put their career at risk. Nor did they want to get involved with a friend of the family.

Lynne, a 45-year-old married administrator, thinks the growing popularity among women of no-strings relationships is a result of their success in the workplace. "Now we are as successful as men at work and other areas of life, women like me think, 'Why the hell not?' My lover won't jeopardise my work or family life. I am doing something that makes me happy, which, in turn, makes home happier, too.

"Women have come a long way in the last 20 or 30 years, so why should taking a lover without commitment be a male preserve? I just think, 'Lucky me'. ''

Cathy Breslin, a counsellor, hypnotherapist and life coach from Kildare, agrees that women have become more calculating.

"When they are attracted to someone, they feel so much better," she says. "Their hormones come alive; they get a burst of serotonin. It helps them to stay young.

"They may not actually think, 'I need an affair', but an affair is a form of madness that is going to give you a lift. People want to experience it again to get them out of a rut.

"I find in my workshops there is little emphasis these days on hobbies that enrich life. Women gain their self-esteem through their work, their home, and their children doing well. Other avenues that make us feel good are rarely explored. Having an affair is, almost, the easy option.

"Dressing up, feeling sexy and being seen makes us feel better. It's like taking back a bit of your life."

But according to Gerry Hickey, a counsellor and psychotherapist, Irish women do still want love.

"They are not really able to detach in the same way that a man is. They tend only to have an affair if they fall in love. Women like the trimmings. Men are a bit colder, I think."

Jenny, 48, who runs her own business, thinks the trend for uninvolved sex is part of today's have-it-all society. "In the past,'' she says, "a wife would think, 'I've got a decent husband and live in a presentable house, so I can't expect too much.' But now our expectations are much higher and we don't want to compromise. I've done it and don't feel guilty at all."

That doesn't at all surprise Gerry Hickey.

"In this culture of instant gratification, many people are not, really, prepared to work on their relationships," he says. "It's 'I am having this affair because I want to'. If they worked on their relationship more; if they talked about their needs and what was wrong, the problem might well be fixed."

While today's women of 40 and younger see having great sex as their right (some studies show that the more sexual partners a person has before marriage, the more likely she or he is to cheat on a spouse), many fifty- or even sixtysomething women, in common with their male counterparts, don't want to be left out.

"Older women are becoming far more sexually adventurous," says Gerry Hickey. "They have no problems with the idea of having an affair, and they usually go for a younger man. Their children have grown, and they have more freedom once they've reached the menopause.

"It is not uncommon to sit in the clinic and hear a young man saying he is not getting enough sex at home. You meet them 20 years later and they say they're wife is too demanding. Thanks to botox and hair colour, older women today are much more secure in themselves."

Teresa, who is 52, is one example. She has been married 27 years and, when her youngest left home she decided she wanted more excitement in her life.

"I have a good husband, but he's never been any good in the bedroom. He has a low libido and little interest. I knew that when I married him and he is a good man in every other respect.

"For years, I kept wondering what it would be like to meet someone who was really exciting in bed. Then about nine months ago I placed an ad on the internet just for the fun of it. I was inundated with replies, but mostly from losers.

"There was only one man who stood out. We met and there was instant chemistry between us. We met again on an occasional basis, but then I realised that psychologically I wasn't the type to be unfaithful. I would hate my husband to find out, so I stopped. But I don't regret it.''

Other women, like Mary, 55, claim to have affairs to help them stay with their husbands until the children leave home. "I know that eventually I will leave my husband, but I don't want to while our children are still at home,'' she explained. "I have a lover, our relationship has lasted two years, and I hope I don't have to have another one. Although it has made me slightly distant with my husband, I am also less irritable and if something happens in the relationship I don't like, I tell myself that I have different pleasures.''

Others, like Anne, who is 54, chose to have an affair because she wanted to be indulged and spoilt. "I entered into a relationship because I wanted to be adored, desired and given lots of attention -- all things I don't get at home. And that is what I have found.

"I meet my lover every two or three weeks in a hotel. He always pays and nearly every time buys me presents -- nothing that would be awkward to explain, but perfume, chocolates and flowers. Of course, I can never take the flowers home and after our couple of hours together they end up in the bin in the hotel room, but he understands that."

Getting caught is not a pressing worry. "I hope I don't live to regret this,'' she continues. "But I honestly don't think it would occur to my husband that anything could be going on. If he did discover I've been unfaithful, he would probably be crushed. It makes me feel uncomfortable but not guilty. Guilt is a pointless feeling. Nor do I feel guilty about my lover's wife. His relationship with her is quite poor. He hadn't had sex with her for years, not just for a month or two.

"My daughter is a different kettle of fish. A short while ago, she commented that I seemed much happier than I had been. I fobbed it off. She once picked up my mobile and started playing with it. It gave me a fright as my lover regularly sends me sexy texts. I've since changed the pin number. I would hate to go down in her estimation.''

She admits she doesn't always practise safe sex.

"At the beginning of our relationship, I made sure he used a condom but when it looked as if it would work out, we both went to a clinic and got ourselves checked, showed each other the results, and then stopped using protection.''

Several women, including Mary, mentioned how much they enjoyed the feel-good factor that comes from a fulfiling sexual relationship.

"I've relearnt how to be a sexually confident woman, which is a good thing,'' she said. "I also take much more care of my appearance.''

If a woman starts to feel vulnerable, Anne, 45, believes in handling it rationally.

"Women are naturally more emotionally vulnerable than men,'' she conceded, "so we have to exercise self-discipline. Everything in life has its disadvantages and we have to learn to cope. It is easy to get too involved but we just have to stop ourselves and know where to draw the line.

"There's no reason why a multi-tasking woman can't handle extra-marital relationships in a similar way to a man. I multi-task to an astonishing degree in my business life, and all I am doing is taking that ability into my personal life. It isn't a big deal.

"The point is, I don't believe one person, man or woman, can meet all your needs for the duration of your life. And having a discreet affair is one way of handling that.''

'I only wanted to meet married men who wanted to stay married'

Julie, 49, who is married with one son and has a senior position in a health authority, knew she wanted more out of an extra-marital relationship than just sex.

"My husband and I haven't had sex for years," she explains.

"He is 15 years older than me and although it wasn't a problem when we first got married 20 years ago, his approach to life now is that of an old man. We sleep in separate bedrooms and I don't think he sees me when he looks at me.

"For much of our marriage, I put my needs to one side and concentrated on my work and looking after my family. But about five years ago, I began to feel increasingly unhappy and unsettled. I wanted to do something about it, but didn't know how to go about it.

"The only men I met were my husband's colleagues or fathers of my children's friends. So I contacted a dating agency for married people. I was a little nervous of the interview, so I took along a close girlfriend.

"I only wanted to meet married men who wanted to stay married. I want to be happier, but not wreck my marriage. Although I'm not in love with my husband any more, he's becoming elderly and I wouldn't want him to be a lonely old man. I wanted to take a lover to keep me happy.

"I was offered a choice of three men. I contacted each one, we met for a drink, and I then spent about five months getting to know the man I most liked. It was important for me to develop a friendship and trust before we had sex. If I had just wanted sex, I could have tried to pick up someone in the local pub."

The relationship wasn't, however, as manageable as she hoped.

"I broke off with him after a year because I found myself getting too emotionally involved and realised I would become more so if I continued. Although my partner, who is also married, enjoyed being with me very much, he didn't feel involved with me in the same way."

- Additional reporting by Sue Leonard

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