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'Life stopped when my son took his own life'

The family of suicide victim Mark O'Donnell are speaking out about their pain to help others. Afric McGlinchey reports

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Friday May 22 2009

Mary O'Donnell will have her 21st birthday party tomorrow. But the one person she would most love to be there -- her brother Mark -- won't be celebrating with her.

Two years ago in March, 25-year-old Mark walked two miles from their house, and hanged himself. It was only in August of that year that they found a note, under his mattress.

He wrote: "Mary I'm so sorry. Pray for me every day. Sorry Mam."

"It's always there, his absence," Mary says. "But we'll feel it even more on Saturday.

"We talk about him all the time at home, and I talk about him with my friends. I remember the last Christmas with him. We were at one of my friends' houses, having a laugh. But he was very quiet; he'd only talk to you if he knew you well."

Her mother Bernadine has organised the party, which will be at their local rugby club in Cobh, Co Cork. She said: "It's going to be so hard celebrating without him. He should be here. But it has to be celebrated. Mark would expect us, anyhow, to celebrate it.

"But of course, we wonder what would it have been like if Mark hadn't killed himself. It'll be completely different to what it would have been.

"We all have different strengths. Some people are well able to cope with life. And some aren't. Mark wasn't able to cope.

"He hanged himself two miles from where we live. Can you imagine what he was thinking when he was walking up? He must have been thinking that he was going to die. I keep thinking about that.

"He was very quiet, very generous. He loved work. He was an apprentice stonemason.

"His death changed our lives completely. You live with it every day. My life stopped at the time, and I pushed everyone away for a few months.

"I didn't include my husband in my life, I was grieving so much. My son, you know. But definitely it's better now, closer. It's part and parcel of the grieving process. You leave people out, then you bring them in."

Bernadine found comfort and support in counselling. "I went for a year. My counsellor was brilliant. For the first few months, I just spent each session crying, which is OK to do. You learn that."

What about friends and acquaintances in the community. How do they deal with it?

"People tend to avoid it, but now I talk about it all the time, so as not to hide it anymore."

What advice would she give to parents who might be concerned about a child or family member?

"I really would recommend counselling. There are a lot of counsellors. And if you don't click with one, there's no harm in saying 'I don't think we're getting on, could you give me a number for someone else?' They're a big help. You could go to your GP first for a number. There are good organisations in each area to help out."

Suicide usually tends to occur when the suicidal person is going through a transitional time and awful psychic pain.

"The family might have their eye off the ball because of an approaching event -- a birthday, Christmas, Mother's day -- then, a few days beforehand, the suicide occurs," said Liam McCarthy, a psychotherapist speaking at a recent two-day conference in Cork, which Bernadine attended.

It was organised by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy in partnership with the Irish Association of Suicidology.

Mr McCarthy said: "This is probably not a conscious decision, society should refrain from trying to answer the 'why' question. There is never just one reason, and asking does more damage. It is better to bring in support groups who know about suicide, to try and defeat what has been lost in a community."

Are there warning signs that a family member can look out for? Bernadine said: "My daughter said we always talked to Mark, but we had no inkling. But you can look out for someone who becomes more withdrawn, quiet, who spends a lot of time alone. They could be warning signs. But then again, they might be nothing whatsoever."

Why has Bernadine decided to go public with her story -- both in this paper and on a recent RTE documentary? She feels that speaking out may help those who are concerned about someone and would like to talk about their fears.

"We created an organisation after Mark died, called Breaking the Silence. We have people trained in intervention, who teach peer support in Transition Year courses. They teach how to recognise signs of despair in people, how to talk to them.

"Our mission is to listen, support, inform and educate the community on suicide. People in the organisation have been trained as Assist leaders, so they can provide the course. The Cobh community fundraised and paid for two people to go to Canada, where Assist originated, for the training.

"Assist is a suicide prevention programme. You train people in the community to watch for signs, and then there are steps you take to help prevent suicide. Guards, firemen, paramedics, a lot of these would do the course, so then when they are faced with a situation, they can deal with it," said Mary.

This training is now also provided by the HSE. "We just completed our first five-week Transition Year course at the Cobh Community College. We got great feedback. The young people found it great. They feel like going out and doing other things now," she said.

"My hope is that by speaking openly about suicide, creating the opportunity for people to talk about their depression or their emotional crises, those at risk of suicide will find the support to get them though difficult times."