Is he an adulterer or a mammy's boy?
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Tuesday Dec 1 2009
The Mammy Pants: Popular choices for the over-Mammied male include superhero slogans, cutesy cartoon prints and plaid.
He may have wooed you with dinner at a posh restaurant and impressive bachelor pad -- but if he disrobes to reveal any of the above, chances are the bedroom you're standing in right now is borrowed from his more self-sufficient wing-man. And that the boxers you ripped from his jobless body were bought by his doting mother -- not to mention washed and pressed by her on a bi-weekly basis.
The Pulling Pants: If undies were a chat-up line, these babies would go something like: "Get your coat..." -- you know the rest.
A hangover from his teenage years, pants associated with successful seduction will usually be brought out again in the hopes of a repeat performance. The fact that the wearer fails to score long after they've become threadbare usually has no effect on their mythical status. Simply put: The urban legend of underwear.
The Novelty Pants: Oh dear -- bit of a comedian, are we? There's little to be said in defence of a man who views Peter Stringfellow as an underwear icon. Tragically, around this time of year, novelty pants are all too prolific. From G-strings with strategically placed Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer to "comedy" Homer Simpson boxers, this is one gift-wrapped package we'd rather not find ourselves confronted with on Christmas morning. Less Ho, Ho, Ho than No, No, No!
The Married Pants: You signed a contract that guarantees you sex at least once a year for the rest of your life, so why make an effort?
Say sayonara to your designer pulling pants and hello to the economical multi-packs bought by your Mrs. Thoughtfully shapeless to accommodate middle-age spread, these yellow-pack pants are also handy for flagging down help, cleaning headlights and harvesting airtricity.
The Adultery Pants: There you are, busily folding his greying Y-fronts when it eyeballs you coldly from the laundry basket: evidence of infidelity.
Occasionally, an alien pair of pants will suspiciously appear among the contents of a taken man's bottom drawer. Alongside their sad, saggy stable-mates, debonair new kacks are the Code Red of the relationship world. Any married man capable of buying flashy new underwear has clearly been caught red-handed in an act of heinous cheating.
Irish Independent
