Game of Thrones gets dirty
Tanks battle marks first exchanges in a new civil war, says Pat Fitzpatrick
WE have had two civil wars in the last Century. The first featured a charismatic Cork man and a treaty.
The second featured a charismatic Cork man and Mick McCarthy in Saipan. And now the third civil war is upon us. It features septic tanks. And a Kerryman in a cap. Michael Healy-Rae is making headlines by claiming that the septic tank charge is penalising people living in the rural areas. He is not the only rural politician clambering on board this bandwagon. But he is the only one who pronounces penalise as pee-naa-lize, which helps him stand out from the crowd. It's one of the great political advantages of coming from south Kerry -- you talk funny.
Michael is well qualified to serve as King of the Culchies in Civil War 3 -- This Time it's about Sewage. His father Jackie touched the souls of culchies everywhere when he described himself as the kind of man who has his dinner in the middle of the day. We can expect to hear a lot more about the rural-urban divide as this civil war rages across the land.
Let's face it, a lot of townies are jealous because they think culchies spend their days tinkering with artisan cheese before heading to farmers' markets in the nearest town to rip the locals off with a few mangy organic carrots.
Culchies, on the other hand, are driven crazy by the fact that townies don't have to drive for half an hour to buy a pint of milk, can walk their kids to school and like to swan around the place on subsidised transport.
This conflict will change politics in Ireland forever. Every party will be ripped in two along urban-rural lines as they go to war over septic tanks.
For any Machiavellian TD who wants to retain a seat, it brings a whole new meaning to the Game of Thrones.
- Pat Fitzpatrick
