For better or worse, don't let a little hitch ruin your big day
Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley
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From red wine spillages to family fisticuffs, new book 'Bride Ideas and Frock-ups' reveals how even the best-made wedding plans can end in disaster, writes Deirdre Reynolds
For generations of dreamy little girls who've fuelled the fairytale wedding fantasy, it's safe to assume that a dog cocking its leg against your crisp white dress or groom getting arrested at the eleventh hour never featured.
But those are exactly the type of big day disasters documented in a new book called Bride Ideas and Frock-ups.
The coffee-table book least likely to feature on the gift registry is awash with offbeat wedding snaps and nightmarish anecdotes gathered by top UK photographers Sim Canetty-Clarke and Amanda Lockhart.
The snap-happy pair are famous for freeze-framing dream weddings -- but they've been on the frontline on some mothers of matrimonial frock-ups too.
Social commentator Susannah Frieze, who helped them pen the cautionary tome, confesses the book is capable of causing brides-to-be to wake in a cold sweat.
"The best laid plans of mice and men are as nothing in the vortex of wedding preparations," she jokes.
And the red wine spillages, familial fisticuffs or blotto best men that typically rigidify brides with terror are nothing compared to the more creative calamities encountered by some unlucky couples, reveals the writer.
Frieze relays the tale of an excitable flea-bag who seemed determined to mark his territory before the groom could: "One bride who, waiting outside the church for the right organ music, looked down to see a small dog lifting its leg on her dress. Up rushed its owner, an onlooker, (saying) 'So sorry, so sorry, he just loves the smell of new clothes'."
Unlike rain though, not all big day dampeners are beyond the not-so happy couple's control. The tongue-in-cheek take on all things bridal also shames the befuddled brides and gormless grooms who managed to put the 'hitch' into getting hitched without any help.
She says: "One disorganised bride was definitely not on top of things when she struck one guest off the eventual wedding list, but then included her on the mailing list for the gift registry.
"The rejected guest then sent the bride a disposable camera as a present, with a note that read: 'Please use this to record the day for those of us who weren't invited!'"
"Then there's the poor father of the bride who had to ring every guest invited to his daughter's wedding on the morning itself -- to say that there would be no wedding, the groom having been banged up for a burglary he had been caught redhanded in the night before."
And it's not only newlyweds who are frequently left feeling that the occasion has been over-hyped.
The amalgam of anecdotes, superstitions and jokes also acknowledges the disgruntled wedding guests who didn't get their money's worth.
Co-creators Canetty-Clarke and Lockhart say: "While most receptions are known for their magnificent hospitality, some couples wouldn't know lavish if they were ravished by it. A couple at one of our weddings actually charged £8 a head for food at their reception.
'On another occasion, our bride and groom had earmarked their own, very expensive, wine at dinner. When one unknowing guest reached over and filled his glass from their decanter, the bride waited for him to turn his back and poured the contents of his glass into her own, while the groom quickly poured him some from a cheaper 'guest' bottle."
However, if like Kelly Osbourne, Calista Flockhart or Delta Goodrem, you're set to head down the aisle soon -- don't fret. It's still possible to pull off perfect nuptials, reassures Rachel Sandall, Editor of Weddingsonline.ie.
"My best advice to brides is not to sweat on the small stuff," says Rachel, who runs the e-resource for Irish brides and grooms.
"When you wake up on the morning of your wedding, you have a decision to make: you can either stress out over everything or accept that things will go wrong and vow not to let it ruin your day.
"After months of planning, there's nothing more you can do on the day -- so you might as well relax and enjoy it.
She adds: "And if something does go wrong -- well, that's what bridesmaids are for! Every good maid of honour should have an emergency kit stocked with stain removal wipes, painkillers, hairpins, needle and thread, tissues, mascara and lipgloss.
"Try to make a joke of it; your family and friends will understand. Anyway, I've never heard of a bride spilling an entire glass of red wine over her dress. If something goes wrong, it's usually minute. Perspective is everything.
"Remember that you're there to make a commitment to your loved one in front of your family and friends, and that's the most important thing. Everything might not be perfect -- but it's still going to be a perfect day."
But if wedding bells do turn to wedding hell, there's solace in the fact that even the rich and famous can suffer the embarrassment of a botched big day -- in front of guests far more illustrious than your nana's bingo buddy.
Grey's Anatomy star Katherine Heigl was less 'blushing bride' than 'Raging Bull' when her singer groom Josh Kelley turned up to their lavish nuptials scuffed from a skiing accident two days earlier.
"I told him don't ski before the wedding, it's not a good idea, you haven't skied in years," the actress told chat-show host David Letterman. "I wouldn't speak to him until the wedding day. Then I had to -- I had to direct my vows at someone."
And the marital mini-disasters didn't end there -- Kelley subsequently lost his oversized wedding ring in the Utah snow, while a blonde moment by Heigl put a halt to their Mexican honeymoon after she forgot her passport.
Despite the less then promising start, the couple are still married almost two years later.
Meanwhile, couch-jumper Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes left A-list pals shifting in the seats by sealing their 2006 ceremony with a nauseatingly long snog.
"It was a never-ending kiss," said fashion designer Giorgio Armani, who designed the outfits for the high-profile couple and their baby Suri. The kiss lasted so long, it caused guests to shout finally, 'Stop! Stop!'"
Bride Ideas and Frock-ups by Sim Canetty-Clarke and Amanda Lockhart (Bene Factum Publishing Ltd), €18.50.
Irish Independent
