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With Mad Men back on our TV screens, it feels as if the whole world is swooning over Don Draper. Which, when you think about it, is extraordinary.
At 41, John Hamm, the actor who plays the troubled, but oh-so-slick sixties ad exec, is far too ancient to be an icon of hip. And yet, there it is: Hamm has proved you can be edgy in your 40s without coming across as tragically in denial about your faded youth.
So, how do you measure up when it comes to middle age cool?
1 It's cocktail hour -- what are you having?
a) Something classic but unshowy. Does the bar-keep know how to make a Manhattan Dry? Nevermind, you can walk him through the basics if he likes.
b) Your cocktail days are fast receding in the rear view mirror. You'll settle for a pint of lager please.
c) Just a cup of tea for me. Yes, a biscuit would be lovely. Do you have jersey creams?
2 What are you reading?
a) The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach. Chronicling a year in the life of a collegiate baseball team, it employs sport as a metaphor for America's place in the world and the way life can play tricks on us. Dude, it's a Great Gatsby for our times. Have you been, like, reading my tweets about it?
b) The sports pages. You used to read a lot. Nowadays it's difficult to find the time. You bought the new John Grisham but were deep in a snooze two and a half pages in.
c) You're still trying to get to the end of Kane and Abel by Jeffery Archer. Next, maybe Joe Duffy's autobiography. He really has the common touch.
3 What kind of car do you drive?
a) A vintage coupe, imported from Japan and painstakingly restored. Peeps can check out the pictures on your Tumblr page.
b) A sensible people carrier at which the younger you would have been appalled. At this stage in your life you rather like the fact it's got two cup holders.
c) An SUV (you suspect that crunching sound might be a cyclist you've run over -- it' s hard to be sure with the air conditioning turned up and Phil Collins blaring).
4 The internet is for ... ?
a) Live blogging your visit to the South By SouthWest festival. Some really interesting things are happening in dubstep this year.
b) Downloading movies off Pirate Bay. It's true -- John Carter is better than the critics say.
c) If you give your credit card details to hotwildcoeds.com, it doesn't show up on your statement right? The wife is getting suspicious...
5 Children should be ...
a) Introduced to your cultural touchstones as early as possible.You've just had an interesting conversation with your four-year-old about Bob Dylan's 'The Hurricane', though it was somewhat curtailed when he tried to flush your iPhone 4S down the loo. Junior's going to loooove Electric Picnic. Sigur Ros are playing!
b) In bed by 9.30pm, so you can watch Match of the Day.
c) Sorry ... can't talk. Your youngest has glued his tongue to the inside of the toilet seat. Again ...
6 It's the weekend! You so can't wait for ...
a) Brunch at Odessa. You're wearing your new Junk de Luxe hoodie and have been saving that New Yorker piece everyone's tweeting about to read over coffee.
b) Your wife to take the kids shopping so you can pretend to think about painting the shed (you're actually planning a nap in the guest bedroom).
c) A round of golf, followed by a stop at B & Q to peruse the selection of in-bathroom shelving. You're thinking of having the downstairs loo done up. Granted it's only two years since the last makeover -- but you've got to live on the edge sometimes, right?
7 What's the last movie you saw?
a) A delicious documentary on Netflix. The vagaries of the reproductive cycle of the Patagonian wurzel fly are every bit as fascinating as you'd imagined. A definite 'like' on Facebook.
b) Spiderman 3 on Channel 4. But you've seen the end already so you switched over to ESPN Classic an hour in. They're showing Liverpool v Man U from 1986. Jan Molby was a proper midfield general.
c) That Reese Witherspoon thing your wife dragged you to. You lost the will to live around the time the popcorn ran out and she snaffled the last Malteser.
8 Your favourite fashion designer is?
a) Thom Browne New York, for the way he's upended basic assumptions about men's formal wear. The next time you're in the Village you are so checking him out.
b) Hilfiger Denim for the 'dad' jeans and striped shirts you wear on special occasions.
c) Is Penneys a designer?
9 Your favourite song right now is ...
a) 'Edward the Confessor' by Breton. They've got that post-punk pre-disco thing down just right ... or anything by Sinatra, enjoyable with or without irony depending on the company.
b) The one that's on the radio all the time. You know...by that band. What are their names again?
c) 'Uptown Girl' by Billy Joel. You've still got the cassette in your car. It's been jammed in the tape deck since Christmas 1993.
10 How do you treat a lady right?
a) Cook risotto, select an appropriate wine (cheeky but not saucy), slap on your favourite jazz album. It's so perfect you're almost not bothered if your date turns up.
b) Offer to take care of the drying while she does the washing up. If you hurry you might catch the end of Mad Men.
c) Keep schtum when they jump the Holy Communion queue.
HOW DID YOU SCORE?
Mostly a)
You are so blindingly cool even Don Draper is required to wear aviator shades in your presence. Less happily, half the people you know actively want to beat you up.
Mostly b)
You're a little overweight, a lot overworked and could do with match-sticks to prop your eyes open. Don't worry. In a few years the kids will be all grown up and the only thing you'll have to worry about is creeping senility and your bad back.
Mostly c)
You're old, boring — and kind of proud of it. If you were an item of confectionery you'd be a slightly hairy Werther's Original, retrieved from the back of the couch.
Irish Independent
