'Why Tinder and I are taking a permanent break'
Published 06/07/2015 | 02:30
Six months ago, I decided to take a break from the judgement juggernaut Tinder. But as time has passed, I realise the decision is final and there is no going back.
I think the last guy I met on Tinder was the idiot straw that broke the camel's beleaguered back. He worked in advertising, but he was really an artist, of course, and liked telling stories about how many 'supers' (supermodels) he had met. That experience, combined with the general onset of online dating ennui, was enough to convince me to pack it in.
It's not that I can't get a date without Tinder, but because I'm clearly hopeless with new people I am caught in a constant cyclone of zombie exes. It's like Night of The Living Dead - no matter what I do, they just refuse to die.
After six months of no contact with the infuriating, emotional shipwreck actor, he texted out of the blue while I was en route to a wedding, which is like punching someone in the stomach and kicking them up the bum at the same time. I'll spare you the whole utterly predictable ordeal of what happened when we met up, but it ended with me walking down a street drunk, shouting "why won't you love me?"
So, I've been trying to break the cycle, by talking to new people, and being brave and saying things like "hey, I like you" instead of "I hate you and would like to chop you up and store your head in my freezer".
Outside a pub on Friday night, some people who work with my friends joined us. One of them was a monstrously tall Scottish man with a face the size of a boulder and a nice accent. We talked about his new house, which is very near my new house (oh) and my life-long decision to be an annoying vegetarian. Then he left to go to a friend's party. Later I decided to be brave and sent him a message. It said ''Hey, we met earlier and talked about meat. Would you like to meat again sometime?' I spent the rest of the night checking my phone, but all I got was a text from my ex.