Wednesday 26 April 2017

The Celebrity Mammies

Kim Kardashian.
Kim Kardashian.
Victoria Beckham.
Madonna
Beyonce.
Kate Middleton.

Pat Fitzpatrick

It's that day of the year when we celebrate our mothers, so our reporter takes a look at some of the most famous mammies in the world

1 KIM KARDASHIAN

What gems will Kim pass on to the kids? Obviously, don't go to Portlaoise on your honeymoon would be right up there. And if you think that means Portarlington would be more in your line, then you're missing the point. But look, her kids will have so much to thank her for. (Hundreds of millions of things, says you, mad for the money.) They'll have the odd bone to pick with mom. Like, you could have given me the most recognisable surname in the world. Instead I'm called North West.

2 VICTORIA BECKHAM

Pop quiz, celeb spotters. What was Posh's maiden name? We'll laugh for a while if you say Spice, but you won't get any points. It was Adams, actually. That ended in 1999 when she took her husband's name after a big bash in Luttrellstown Castle. We were appalled that they used matching thrones. It's like they thought they were better than us, with all their money, good looks and successful careers. In fairness though, they might have had a point.

3 MADONNA

She recently engaged in a custody battle for her son Rocco with ex-hubby Guy Ritchie. Things got so nasty that she appeared to call Guy the c-word on stage in Nashville. Not the c-word that's the biggest possible insult you can give a celeb. She didn't say he was controlling. Madonna also posted a sad selfie on Instagram. She didn't actually look that unhappy. But then, a 57-year-old woman posting selfies on Instagram is sad enough as it is.

4 BEYONCE

She called her daughter Blue Ivy. (And you thought you were pushing out the boat with Sofia, Ferdia and Zach.) Blue Ivy will surely send a letter to her mom any one of these days. "Dear Mom, Thanks for giving me a name that makes me sound like a cheap and nasty aftershave from the 1980s. You know, the kind of one you'd buy Dad for Christmas if you couldn't get together the cash for a bottle of Old Spice. There is only one positive here. And it's that I'm not called Hai Karate."

5 KATE MIDDLETON

Her mother was an air hostess. She knew all about going up in the world, says you. Kate will be played by Louise Ford in a new Channel 4 sitcom about the royals, called The Windsors. Good luck to everyone involved. Mind you, it's hard to see how they're going to squeeze a few laughs out of an old duffer prone to racist gaffes and his son who talks to plants. And that's before you even get to Andrew. He'll probably get a spin-off, called The Windsor.

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