The 12 men you'll meet on Tinder
This year, I've decided, will be the year of love. And if not of love, then at least of dating, misadventures and other pursuits to get the pulse racing.
Previously, I'd sworn off the dating app Tinder, denouncing it as a Top Trumps of idiots, players, eternal bachelors and what I will refer to euphemistically as 'Cheeky Nando's' types. So, I'm surprised as anyone to find myself swiping hither and thither again. I've put so much field research in by now that I feel like a sort of David Attenborough, able to discern the various species and their mating habits. So, for the curious and the seasoned Tinder user alike, I present the 12 men you will definitely meet on Tinder…
1. Your mate: We live on a small island and as such are two degrees of separation from everyone. And lo, there's someone you know. Do you swipe right (to demonstrate you fancy him) out of sheer curiosity and run the risk of him not swiping right in return? What happens if you both make a match? Awks. Proceed with caution.
2. Mr 'I'm with BOD/Nidge/Glen Hansard': This guy believes that a profile picture of him standing next to a popular celebrity will see his own stock climb considerably on Tinder. Not so. If you're bothering these poor innocents for selfies on a night out, that's never good. Consider us unimpressed.
3. The one who knows the way to the airport: Yes, that's him: the barely discernible speck photographed against some far-flung landmark like the Statue of Liberty/Taj Mahal/Sydney Opera House. Well done on getting on a plane, but I can barely make out if you're human. Also, points off for being photographed with one of those (possibly drugged-up) Bengal tigers.
4. Mr Cheerleader Effect: According to psychologists, we are attracted to pictures of people when they are in large groups having the time of their lives. This is called the 'Cheerleader Effect'.
Unfortunately, some guys take this idea too far, and their Tinder profile is made up exclusively of pictures of large groups of men. So which one are you? The guy with the underpants on his head, or the joker in a dress?
5. Mr Inspirational Quotes: 'Live each day like it's your last', 'Work hard, play hard' and 'Don't sweat the small stuff.' Yeah, I know how to live my life, thanks. I don't need tea-towel wisdom from you.
6. The Tinder Tourist: This is the very attached bloke who has signed up for a little window shopping, to see what is out there and who he would date, in a purely hypothetical situation in which he might find himself single. Which is no use to many of us.
7. The guy who would really do with learning a thing or two about filters: According to my male pals on Tinder, female users have their virtual 'shopfront dressing' down to a tee. Angles, pouting, filters… they are at their best selves. Which is a lot more than can be said for the men who like to go for the serial murderer selfie look. See also: the bloke who thinks a Blue Steel scowl works for him. We're officially scared.
8. The Silent Type: You've swiped right. Yay, so has he. Then… he doesn't bother with a message. So you break the ice by sending him an opening gambit of your own. Still radio silence. What gives?
9. The Conversationalist: 'How are you?', 'Are you enjoying the sun?', 'How's work?', 'How's your evening?' The pen-pal approach is not usually the quickest pathway to sparkling bants. Those check-ins get boring, fast.
10. The guy who's serious about meeting someone: There he is, holding babies, playing with toddlers. (His 'About Me' line reads: "This is my nephew." which is presumably where we women are meant to start cooing). If a man is effectively curating his Tinder photos to create a first impression, and a disproportionate number of these are with very little people, be afraid.
11. The Fitspo Fiend: When it comes to a bloke's affections, no girl wants to come second to a Crossfit membership. Bye, now.
12. The Land-Speed Record Breaker: This conversation actually happened last week: Him: "Hi, you look beautiful." Me: "Ah, photos can be deceiving! But thanks." Him: "Would you consider meeting me for sex on my boat tonight?"
Short on conversation, not-so-short on sending you directions to his house. Don't expect dinner.