Saturday 19 August 2017

Redhead Delights

Coronation: Redhead convention
Coronation: Redhead convention
Yanks have always been generous when tipping foxy Irish. Photo: Deposit
Redheads turn into stunners at a certain age. Photo: Deposit
Could there be a grant due to redhead extinction? Photo: Deposit
Apparently the Norseman brought red hair to Ireland. Photo: Deposit

Pat Fitzpatrick

As we celebrate ginger-haired people from all walks of life, here's a look at some of the pros and cons that come with having red tresses

1  The Convention

The annual Redhead Convention in Cork celebrates all that's good about redheadness over two days. That should only take about two hours, says you, missing the point. (Could it be that you're blonde?) The redhead festival is so popular that people are dyeing to get into it. Make it stop! As wacky Irish festivals go, this is Tedfest for cool people. Unless you think it's acceptable for a sober person over the age of three to say, "That would be an ecumenical matter" for an entire weekend. (Like feck it is.)

2 The Eyes

A message from the Ordinary Men of Ireland: It has come to our attention that red-haired women turn into stunners at a certain age. The wife tells us it usually occurs when they start using mascara on their pale eyelashes. Fair play. A reply from the feminists: Hang on a second, you complete eejit. You do realise that it's the same person underneath. A reply from the Ordinary Men: No, the whole point is that we don't realise. Otherwise we'd be out the gap.

3 The Extinction

Attention, gingers. There was talk last year in the media that redheads could be going extinct. You know what that means. Grants. Loads and loads of them. Particularly if you fill out the forms in Irish. You never know, the Government could give you extra points for doing the Leaving Cert with red hair. They might even throw in a TV channel dedicated to issues that affect your life. Our guess is they will call it Fox News. Sorry.

4 Yanks

The Yanks were always generous with tips for the foxy Irish. (And we don't mean giving advice on changing hair colour.) Times have changed. Gone are the days when a Yank would give you 50p for being a redhead. "I wouldn't get out of bed for anything less than a tenner these days," says you, pulling on your foxy wig. And hanging round Arrivals in Shannon Airport, saying, "Is it the way that you just flew over the Atlantic?" to anyone you see with perfect teeth.

5 Vikings

Apparently the Norsemen brought red hair to Ireland. No wonder ginger is cool. We're in love with all things Scandinavian. We've even glossed over the whole rape-and-pillage thing with the Vikings because they probably had incredible childcare. Some say you can't gloss over the fact that red hair usually comes with a ton of freckles. We say you can gloss over anything with a dollop of fake tan. Oh look lads, I'm brown!

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