Monday 5 December 2016

PROPERTY PORN

Published 21/09/2015 | 02:30

PROPERTY PORN

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You're wrong. There is no way that Big Brother was the defining TV show of the Noughties. The only person we remember from that show was the guy who did the voiceover. That's why a whole generation of us can't pass a clock without saying, "It's 2:45 aaa-emmm, and I'm passin' a clock on me way to the jacks", in a funny Geordie accent. (As if there's any other kind.)

The iconic show of the Noughties was, of course, Location, Location, Location. People buying houses, just like us. It's still particularly popular with Irish people. We'll watch anything that proves our neighbours are a bit on the thick side. The proof here being that university-educated Brits seem unable to ring an estate agent and place an offer on a house. Instead, they go to a hipster bar with a Kirstie and Phil to discuss strategy.

The strategy is nearly always phone the estate agent (Jeremy, always Jeremy) and offer five grand under the asking price. Jeremy calls back 10 minutes later and says, "It's a deal". The university-educated couple praise Kirstie and Phil for their incredible negotiation skills. Not to mention their ability to use large numbers on the phone.

Location, Location, Location is proof positive that Britain is a nation of goldfish. They must be on their fourth housing bubble since 1990. And still there is no shortage of yuppie couples willing to pay 750 grand for a one-bed flat in London because it's only three tube stops from an artisan-bread shop.

We're watching over here, the wounds still open after our own crash, shouting, "Don't do it, you crazy yuppie couple, you'll be stuck there for life". They never listen. Instead they go to a local cafe and ask Kirstie what happens next. "I ring Jeremy and offer five grand under the asking price," says Kirstie. "It's best to leave this sort of thing to the professionals", say the poor yuppies.

Sunday Independent

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