Monday 24 October 2016

People are talking: No joke as Kimye get carpet bombed

Anne Marie Scanlon

Published 27/04/2015 | 02:30

One is not amused: Kim and Kanye didn't see the funny side when Amy Schumer threw herself at their feet
One is not amused: Kim and Kanye didn't see the funny side when Amy Schumer threw herself at their feet
Confusion: The Joan Collins who is not a TD
Mila Kunis

There are some very unkind people in this world - for example, those who, when they talk about Kim Kardashian's massive arse, are not referring to her bottom. Kim's beloved husband Kanye West has a bit of a rep for being a monomaniac comparing himself to Jesus, front-line soldiers and bigging up the fact that he doesn't read books as 'childlike purity'.

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But it's grand really, because Kanye is more than capable of laughing at himself. Except he doesn't. (Can he even laugh, we wonder?) God knows he and his wife had ample opportunity to show they can take a joke when Amy Schumer pranked them at the Time 100 gala in New York. The comedian faked a trip on the red carpet and threw herself at their feet.

As Time has named them two of the most influential people in the world, you'd think Kimye (as the pair are sometimes called) would expect people grovelling at their designer shoes. While Schumer lay prone the duo remained somewhat stony-faced with not the ghost of a smile between them, or, perhaps more importantly, not even the merest glimmer of concern. The pair refused to see the body on the carpet and progressed along like medieval royalty.

Then again, Kanye has form - he likes people to stand, and once halted a concert in Sydney refusing to sing until the entire audience were on their feet. (He allegedly sent his bodyguard to check that a person in a wheelchair wasn't faking disability). Of course, it must have been a shock for Kanye, as he's usually the one storming stages and usurping the spotlight.

Perhaps the pair were embarrassed about their wardrobes - thrifty Kim apparently upcycled an old pair of curtains and Kanye appeared to be wearing PJs. Velvet ones. Pure class.

All together now, give us a lash, Little Jack

Forget about 1916 and all that. A dangerous new struggle has broken out with our new best friends, the Brits. This has nothing to do with the freedom of small nations to mess up their own affairs. It's way more important than that. This one is about soccer.

Once more it seems the fortunes of our international soccer team rely on an Englishman called Jack. This one is Aston Villa's new superstar midfielder, Jack Grealish. We will call him Little Jack, so he doesn't get mixed up with the last bloke. Outside of footballing circles, little was known of Little Jack until last Sunday. That was when he almost single-handedly tore Liverpool apart in the FA Cup semi-final at Wembley. Jack Grealish for England they shouted, in their funny Birmingham accents. Just one problem there. Jack qualifies for us and has already played for Ireland at under-age level. Hands off, you meddling Brits, we saw him first. This tug-of-love could get very serious, very quickly. It could become the new Rockall. You might remember that a former SAS man camped out on the rock to lay claim to it for Britain back in 1985. Little Jack could wake up one of these days and find that a gentleman called Reggie has pitched a small tent on his leg.

Little Jack could be just the man to help us to qualify for Euro 2016. There's only one parade we really want down O'Connell Street next year. The team in an open top bus, rather than the army in a few rusty tanks.

We need a rousing song to get him on side. What's left of the Wolfe Tones is probably booked up for next year. Let's go for a duet by Martin O'Neill and Roy Keane. The title? Give us a Lash, Little Jack.

Pat Fitzpatrick

What Joan Collins did next

You have to wonder what Joan Collins's parents were thinking when they named her. That's Joan Collins TD, not the English actress of the same name, who is several decades her senior.

And because Joan Collins OBE would have been an adult and a famous adult when Joan Collins TD was born, it's possible that her parents were admirers.

Or, perhaps, they hoped she'd have faded into obscurity by the time their little girl was all grown up. And a TD. And a TD who was arrested at a water protest last week. And a TD who then became confused on Twitter with the English actress of the same name.

In London, one octogenarian, wig-loving actress wasn't best pleased with the confusion and in Dublin, one flame-haired indignant Independent wasn't impressed either. Both reckoned they came off badly in the confusion.

Joan OBE tweeted to assure people she hadn't been arrested in Dublin, signing off with "The very idea!" Joan TD retorted by tweet that she could not be OBE, as she would never take an honour from a monarch. Indignation all round, with both believing themselves to be the injured party.

Thanks to technology, OBE was able to prove she was not in Dublin at the time of the water protest, perhaps in an effort to prove that she did not protest too much. So to speak.

At the same time, the water-protesting TD was being arrested, OBE tweeted a snap of an oil painting of her younger, be-turbanned self, with the caption, "Getting ready for a nice hot bath". Two Joans with water on their minds. And maybe, more in common than they think. The very idea!

Sarah Caden

YouTube's stupid brilliance

What did we do before YouTube? It's only ten years ago  that its founder Jawed Karim uploaded a video of himself at the  zoo, the website's first one, but it feels that we've forever been watching videos of cats chasing bears, otters holding hands, baby pandas sneezing, and Father Ted kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse.

In ten years it has totally transformed how we watch videos, listen to music, and voice our opinions on pretty much everything, from the plight of the slave children of Uganda to the colour of a dress (it's blue and black, get over it already), the result of which has been to confirm that as a species, we're stupid, really stupid - like 'sticking your finger into an electrical socket over and over again' stupid.

If aliens, in search of intelligent life, were to read the comments on YouTube videos they'd turn round and go home. YouTube's official slogan is 'Broadcast Yourself', although I think that 'Nothing's Too Stupid' might be better. Whether it's a grown man crying in his sheets, telling the world to leave Britney (Spears) alone, or a redneck in his shack telling the world that Obama is not only a Muslim but an atheist and a communist to boot (as well as the antichrist), YouTube has shown that there are still great depths for human stupidity to plumb.

Still though, a squirrel water skiing, now that's something, regardless of whether you've eaten yellow snow or not, that we all can enjoy. Long may YouTube continue

Christopher Jackson

Being FF boss is dead easy

Fianna Fail used to be Ireland's answer to Millwall FC, crushing naysayers with a defiant chant of "no one likes us, we don't care".

These days, the Soldiers of Destiny are much more sensitive to criticism, going so far as to complain last week that RTE has a "clear agenda" against the party. Bless. They're only noticing this now? Where have they been for the last few decades?

Micheal Martin would be better off worrying about what's going on behind the scenes rather than in front of the cameras. The FF front bench is even said to have had a "robust discussion" at Leinster House in the last few days about what to do if their, ahem, beloved leader was to suddenly, mysteriously kick the bucket.

A chap could get paranoid when his colleagues start talking about his potential demise so openly. What exactly have they got planned for the Cork South-Central deputy? The poor man will be afraid to have a cup of tea at this weekend's 76th Ard Fheis in Dublin in case they've slipped something in it.

And I'm not talking about extra sugar.

The scene in the RDS could well end up resembling that old film Kind Hearts And Coronets, where poor relation Dennis Price has to bump off various members of his aristocratic family in order to become the Duke D'Ascoyne. There's probably a FF backbencher out there somewhere calculating how many of the party hierarchy he'd have to despatch to get a shot at the leadership.

It's not as if killing people is any obstacle to a successful career in Irish politics, after all. Look at Sinn Fein. Either way, Micheal had better start hoping those poll ratings improve soon.

Eilis O'Hanlon

Mila shows her claws

Did somebody say fowl play? Hollywood actress Mila Kunis has been batting off one (ahem) cheep gag after the next this week, after a Ukrainian singer called Kristina Karo, who by the looks of her new music video titled Give Me Green Card appears to be vying to become the Ukraine's answer to Jodie Marsh, announced online that she was planning to sue Kunis for $5,000 as compensation for emotional damage she suffered at her hands in childhood.

The cause of the upset? According to Kristina Karo, a seven-year-old Mila stole her beloved pet chicken Doggie, back in the Ukraine 25 years ago. Karo then claimed that the theft of the bird, which she says Mila confessed to, saying 'Kristina, you can have any other chicken as a pet, you have a whole chicken farm', caused her a great deal of distress, necessitating long and expensive therapy, for which she feels she deserves to be compensated.

Honouring the seriousness of the charge, Mila responded, though not through a lawyer, as you might expect. Instead, she posted a video online declaring that she would counter-sue for having been forced to sit through Karo's music video. "My eyes hurt. They're burning." She said, making it clear that she felt Kristina's tactic of using her as a publicity stunt was pretty (sorry) poultry.

Julia Molony

Sunday Indo Living

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