Sunday 23 October 2016

People are talking: Koping with Kardashapathy

Donal Lynch

Published 22/06/2015 | 02:30

Bright future: Kim wrote a touching and thoughtful letter to her future well-tanned self.
Bright future: Kim wrote a touching and thoughtful letter to her future well-tanned self.
Hayley Roberts and David Hasselhoff
Top Gear: Chris Evans
Rachel Dolezal

Another certified 'stop everything and hold the phones' moment from Kim Kardashian this week as she channelled Carrie Bradshaw - looking thoughtful on a laptop while typing complete inanities - in writing a letter to her future self, "not to be opened until 2025" (except by the millions of people who have access to the website she wrote them on).

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When other celebrities, Stephen Fry for instance, have pulled this move it's been in fear that the future self won't stay true to the ideals of the youthful self. Kim's instructions are more along the lines of 'keep doing what you're doing'. In fact how little she was into this spontaneous task was evidenced by her wishes for her sisters' futures.

She remembered all their names, to be fair, but two of them just got 'I hope she's doing whatever she wants.' (Hopefully Kim's future self isn't good at reading between the lines in search of sibling-related apathy). But it was Kim's hope for something "magical" that really caught our eye - she wants science to come up with a "mysterious green juice" which always keeps her tanned. This, it seems to us, is somewhat unambitious for 2025. Especially since 25 years prior to that the world came up with a career path that allowed someone to translate a sex tape into a lifestyle brand. Which is far more magical than any perma-tan.

It's time for David to get Hoff his big ego trip 

By Julia Molony

Cheerful news this week from the household of David Hasselhoff, currently starring as himself in a  spoof new documentary called Hoff the Record.

The Hoff still has it, apparently. Almost 63-years-old, and now dating a hot young blonde Hayley Roberts, 30 years younger, David has been boasting about his formidable virility. "I don't really need to take Viagra, if anything I am trying to find an anti-Viagra pill because my girlfriend keeps saying, "Why is it that you want it every day?" he told the Mail Online.

To which the only appropriate response naturally is, ewwww. But then, perhaps all isn't as it seems. This is a man, after all who, as he ages, revels in blurring the lines between reality, persona and pastiche. In his new show, a "semi-improvised comedy" he will play himself, ironically of course, coming to the UK to try to re-launch his career. So it can be hard sometimes to distinguish the line between Hoff the persona and Hoff the self-parody. Are comments like this, along with his perma-tan, gleaming white smile and fleshy pecs part of the real image or the joke? Or is it in fact that truth and fiction have become so confused David can't tell the difference?

Choc lovers take heart and be wrinkle-free

By Will Hanafin

IS everyone ready for their daily fitness regime? First unwrap a chocolate bar of your choice.

It can be yucky, healthy looking dark stuff or cheap and nasty milk chocolate bars. It doesn't matter! And before you spit out your granola or choke on your quinoa, there's science to back this up!

Sit down and enjoy a few squares in the happy knowledge you are helping to ward off heart attacks and stroke risks.

The Galaxy and Diary Milk scoffers had lower blood pressure and fewer instances of diabetes in a new study.

They also had an 11pc lower risk of cardiovascular disease and 25pc lower risk of premature death. It comes at a time when another scientist has devised a chocolate bar claiming to prevent wrinkles.

I always knew that the Caramel bunny had the right idea when she told us to relax and take it easy! And now it's good for you as well!

Top Gear needs a little Zig Zag

By Christopher Jackson

So after weeks of speculation we now know who'll be the new Top Gear host. Yes TFI's Chris Evans, the man whose marriage to Billy Piper gave hope to pasty, spectacled men the world over, will be the new Jeremy Clarkson, minus the casual xenophobia, hopefully. I would have preferred Steve Coogan, especially as Alan Partridge although as a man, like Clarkson - long on personality and short on looks - Evans fits the bill perfectly.

As for a second presenter, Evans has said that he'll likely be joined by a woman, which it's hoped will help grow the audience of a show that while very popular still has as its base fat, white, middle-aged Englishmen who when in Spain drink in bars called The Red Lion, think Nigel Farage is a top geezer, call all women 'dawling' and regard page 3 as a great British tradition, like mushy peas, warm beer and bad teeth.

As for the other presenter, well I've my own left field suggestion - Zig and Zag. Think about it. Evans worked with the pair in the 1990's and they had undeniable chemistry, maybe not Ian Dempsey-like chemistry (sorry Ray D'Arcy) but enough for Top Gear. Top Gear, ironically enough, will also give the brothers from Zog a chance to redeem themselves, especially to those of us born in the 1980's who regard their departure from The Den to Channel 4 as the worst thing visited upon Ireland since the Great Famine.

Donald won't duck a fight

By Eilis O'Hanlon

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Worst was the impending collapse of the EU, and the outbreak of civil war in Fianna Fail over who was to blame for the fall of the banks. Making up for it was the best news in a while - namely, that Donald Trump, of Apprentice fame (or should that be infamy?) is to seek the Republican nomination in next year's Presidential election.

Unlike most world leaders, Trump is not afraid to tackle the big issues facing the 21st century. Such as whether Robert Pattinson should have left fellow Twilight star Kristen Stewart after she did the dirty on him. Trump's considered opinion was that he should.

It's hard to imagine Enda Kenny nailing his colours to the mast so emphatically. The Taoiseach did appear on radio last weekend to talk about Mayo football, but it's not really the same thing.

Say what you like about Trump, but at least he's using his own money to run for office, unlike most Irish politicians. Even if he does make a fool of himself, it won't cost the American public a cent.

And so what if he doesn't win? Dana didn't have a chance of becoming President either, but no one stopped her. Is Trump's candidacy really any weirder than that of former IRA leader Martin McGuinness? Let's just hope he has Renua's number if he does fail to make it to the White House. At this stage, they'd settle for anyone.

White is erm, the new black

By Anne Marie Scanlon

Despite stepping down as President of the Spokane Washington chapter of the NAACP (The National Association for the Advancement of Coloured People) Rachel Dolezal, who was outed by her parents as being basically white, says:"I identify as black". 

While many have stated that Dolezal (right) cannot simply choose her ethnic identity some have argued that if Caitlyn Jenner (formerly Bruce) can identify as a woman then why can't Rachel be black if she wants to be.

In fact, why should any of us be stuck with our birth status, after all we didn't choose our parents, culture or country. Maybe we should have a referendum to decide, especially as, after the marriage equality vote, to the rest of the world, (including a respected US newspaper) seems hard pressed to accept our identity as a forward thinking, diversity-embracing nation. Many prefer the comfortable stereotype of us as drunken, priest-licking, mass-going, shillelagh-wielding, backward bogtrotters.

So let's have a referendum to ditch the identifier of 'Irish' and choose a more respected nationality. (I vote for something Scandinavian - they've got the best interiors, television shows and jumpers.) While we are at the booths we can also vote to have our status as a 'First World' country downgraded because white is now the new black. And the choice is, apparently, ours.

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