People are talking: Deja feud has Zzzzzz factor
Yet another X Factor falling-out.
How many does that make it? Surely we've reached four digits by now. This time it's Louis Walsh and Cheryl Cole, or Cheryl Fernandez-Versini as she goes by these days.
Yes, we've been here before with this pair. And others. Year after tedious year, we, the innocent public, are subjected to intra-judging panel 'feuds' and 'spats'. Louis previously fell out with Sharon Osbourne. Sharon fell out with Dannii (remember her? Exactly.) Cheryl and Mel B knocked heads.
And of course there's always rumours about who has been 'sacked' from the line-up. This year, it's Louis. In the last week he's been binned and then he hasn't. He's allegedly leaving of his own volition and then he's not. Is anybody buying any of this? Does anyone care? Viewing figures peaked in 2010 and have been dropping steadily since.
Small wonder, the contestants come and they go, and generally, with some exceptions, the winner does not set the musical world on fire and is soon completely erased from public view and memory.
As X Factor rumbles on towards its 12th season it's all too apparent that the show is pure Panto and the 'acts' are almost completely irrelevant - they are just fodder to let the judges perform.
Louis and Cheryl's latest performance just isn't up to the great feuds of yore. In a magazine interview Louis said that Cheryl "needs to give more, she can give so much more," which is another way of saying the same thing he parrots to contestants with painful regularity.
On top of recycling 'feuds' they're also recycling scripts. Honest to God, it's as if they don't actually care.
Let them sing 'F**K The IRA' all they like
So at least now we know what to get FIFA for Christmas. A lesson in Irish history. Because it clearly hasn't got a clue. The football governing body says it will sanction the English FA if England fans chant 'F**k the IRA' during the soccer friendly against the Republic next month.
FIFA clearly believes this would be disrespectful to the people of Ireland. Despite the fact that the vast majority of Irish people have been pretty much chanting 'F**K the IRA' since 1970. Our guess is that if the travelling fans were to strike up that ditty on June 7, the whole stadium would join in.
'F**k the IRA' is like our second national anthem at this stage. Gerry Adams and Sinn Fein might as well have sung it when they signed the Good Friday Peace Agreement. That's why Gerry was able to shake hands with Prince Charles last week and casually note that they were both tree-huggers. In fact the Charles and Camilla visit is a great example of how we should treat English fans in a couple of weeks' time. Rather than following them around Temple Bar with batons drawn, just take them on a quick bus tour of The Burren.
The beauty of The Burren is that it's nigh on impossible to ransack it after a few pints. Riot all you like, lads. Camilla enjoyed a cocktail in Galway last week, named The Duchess in her honour. Let's do the same for the English fans. Call it anything but Sex on the Beach - that could end with some odd scenes in Salthill. Then back to Dublin for the match. And a few bars of 'F**k the IRA' if they want.
The Clooneys' new castle
Residents of the village of Sonning, Berkshire, are bracing themselves for the arrival of some high-profile residents. George Clooney said last week that he and Amal are planning to live in the UK.
The couple, right, bought a mansion there seven months ago and are moving in soon. Exciting times for a county whose most famous locals have so far tended to be of the Footballers Wives, rather than the Hollywood A-List variety. It's a handy commute for Amal to her central London chambers. But what about George?
"There's a great old pub, a great restaurant, The French Horn, there and it's a really beautiful fun place to be," he said about relocating. Apparently he's already started fitting the house with a pool and cinema, which should help him pass the time. Or he could always busy himself with the garden. And if he gets bored, he can always pop over here to Ireland. He's been promising old pal Bono that he'll visit for ages.
Trierweiler's relentless revenge
YOU'D think Valerie Trierweiler would be finished with her revenge, now that she's sold over 600,000 copies of her book which liberally criticises her ex, President Hollande. Mais non. French Finance Minister Michel Sapin was asked last week for his thoughts on an interview Trierweiler, right, recently gave, in which she asserted that she has no regrets in writing President Hollande hates the poor, and would not hesitate to do it again. Sapin said that by doing so, she would be repeating the same "injustice" to the President she did by writing the book in the first place.
When the journalist pressed Sapin as to whether or not he thought Trierweiler was making an error by continuing to dish the dirt publicly on Hollande, he replied in the affirmative. So Trierweiler posted an unflattering photo of Sapin on Twitter and wrote "Hey, Michel, in the 21st Century even women have the right to express themselves. Even the 3.5 million unemployed!"
Can Cannes be serious?
So last week a woman who had part of her left foot amputated was told off at the Cannes film festival for not wearing high heels on the red carpet. The woman in question claimed others had been turned away for not wearing heels. The pointlessness of it all. Cannes has as much propriety and dignity as Katie Hopkins and Jeremy Clarkson at a boozy luncheon.
'Heelgate' wasn't so much a case of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted but after it's bolted, jumped the farm wall, grown old, died and returned to the farm as glue.
The Cannes festival is less Venice, more Magaluff. Simone Silva went topless in 1954. Dolph Lundgren and Jean Claude Van Damme squared up to each other in the 1990s. While Borat has plunged the depth of mankini-wearing. Cannes is about as dignified as Temple Bar at 3am on Paddy's night. Picking on amputees wearing flats won't make it any less so.
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