O'Doherty: Osbourne finds the jackboot on the other foot
There are few things more entertaining than watching a hypocrite, a bully or a snitch get their comeuppance and in our rapidly disintegrating culture, there is no shortage of candidates.
We now live in a hair-trigger environment - one wrong word, a perceived lack of appropriate 'sensitivity' or, God forbid, an off-colour joke can see someone's life completely destroyed by strangers. Just ask Justine Sacco, the American PR executive who saw her life and career destroyed when she made a joke on Twitter.
Kelly Osbourne is now the latest person to face the rage of the Thought Police following her remark on The View this week and, I have to admit, it's the funniest thing I've seen in ages.
When talking about Donald Trump, noted political analyst Osbourne sneered, with all the gusto of a first-year Women's Studies harpy: "If you kick all the Latinos out of the country, who is going to clean your toilets for you, Donald Trump?"
This immediately enraged her fellow panellist Rosie Perez and the sight of Osbourne realising that she had just committed the secular mortal sin of racism before bursting into tears was an image that will warm the heart for many days to come.
She had just fragged her own career, such as it is, and will forever be known to some people as someone who thinks Latinos are only good for scrubbing Whitey's toilets.
So why aren't I defending her? Why don't I point out that this is an argument that even Obama has used in the past? Why am I not reminding you, sexy reader, that immigrants have always done the dirty jobs that the indigenous population don't want to do?
Well, the answer is as simple as it is delightful - Osbourne has form when it comes to being a bully, a snitch and, now, a hypocrite, so she has scored a perfect hat-trick on the O'Doherty Irritant Scale.
She infamously threw her former Fashion Police colleague Giuliana Rancic under the bus for... racist comments and wasn't in the mood to listen to any excuses back then. She had decided that something was racist and, therefore, Rancic needed to be publicly denounced.
So, her tears during the commercial break weren't because she may have offended some people. Instead, they were tears of panic because she knew that the PC posse, which she used to lead, would now be coming after her. When you live by the mob, you cry by the mob, I suppose.
We've always had cranks, of course. There has never been a shortage of nutters writing in green ink who think that their feelings must be the sole arbiter of what is permissible speech. But what used to be seen as random head cases with too much time on their hands has become a cancer in our culture and the only question now is whether it's benign or malignant.
Future historians will look back on this era and proclaim it is as the one that finally destroyed the West as we know it. Stupidity is celebrated. Feelings are more important than logic. And the mob must be fed.
You don't have to look at hormone-ridden gab-fests full of mad women in America to see this massively disproportionate and stupendously dumb response. On TV3's Midday this week, the ever yawn-some Mary Byrne was busy showing everyone how much she hates Katie Hopkins.
Hopkins, she says, is a bully "who should be put down".
Does Byrne really want to murder Katie Hopkins like a dog? Did Ireland's most tedious bellower actually say she wants to murder another human being? I doubt it. In fact, I reckon that she simply misspoke.
I imagine that Byrne would say that she didn't mean it literally. I imagine that Byrne would, ironically, use the same kind of defence that Hopkins herself uses - that it wasn't meant to be taken seriously.
But I don't care. I've reported her to the cops for making death threats. After all, if I can't beat the mob, I might as well join them.
We've all been there - you're talking away to someone and then you notice they're simply staring at their phone, vacantly nodding their head and occasionally grunting to show that they're still paying attention.
But now there's a growing argument that people who spend their time staring at their phone rather than engaging in something as analogue as a human conversation aren't simply rude gits - they're addicted to their mobile.
No mention of bad manners, lack of self-control or chronic rudeness. According to scientists, such behaviour is not your fault. It's your addiction, you see. Give it a year and we'll have phone addicts saying they have a disease and need government help to conquer their affliction.
The truth, as it so often is, is rather simpler - you're just rude, you deserve a slap and here's the bit that nobody says anymore: you're really not that important and the world will survive if you don't check your bloody iPhone every two seconds.
Also, it's your round and I've been sitting here thirsty while you check your emails.
Although that is a rather specific example, I will admit.