Saturday 29 April 2017

New Year's Resolutions

A diet regime beckons in January
A diet regime beckons in January
Decisions: this is the year to meet the one!
Vow: many want to broaden their social circles
Empowered: Beyoncé
Employees may be looking for a pay rise in January

Pat Fitzpatrick

As the majority of us all set about putting our lives to right in early January, here's a look at some of our favourite yearly resolutions.

1 The Diet

5:2 wasn't always a diet in Ireland. "What time is it?" "Five to." "Shite, go up there and get seven Carlsberg. They're very strict on late pints here." Happy days. Just not enough of them, due to cirrhosis and other drink-related illnesses. If you want to learn more about the 5:2 diet, just ask someone who is on it. They'll be more than happy to talk, five days a week. The other two days, they are struggling to get by on a mere 500 calories. You'd be lucky to get two words out of them. (F**k off.)

2 Exercise


Memo to all managers: 57pc of your employees will email you the first day back after Christmas, asking for "a quick chat". This is because their mad hippy sister gave them a book for Christmas called Anyone Who Doesn't Find You Amazing Is A Complete Gobshite. (Vol 2). Add in the bottle of wine a day they drank for the past fortnight, and you are looking at a very volatile person who thinks you're not paying them enough. Just say no, and mutter something about Brexit.

3 Love


A lot of single people decide this is the year where I meet the one. Or, thanks to Tinder, meet the 732 and wonder is it too late to join the nuns. This New Year's desire to settle down can be easily explained with the following definition. An Irish Relationship: Where one, or, indeed, both parties, seeks out a soulmate to help them cut down on the crazy boozing, because it is always the single people left at the end of the night.

4 The Career


It's all about strength these days, ladies. And not just in the muscle sense, because the 1980s East German Ladies' Shotput Team look isn't for everyone. You need to be strong as in empowered, fierce, a warrior, and any other word Beyonce uses to make other women feel inadequate for not being her. Remember this, if you put "fierce", "warrior" and "empowered" on your Tinder profile: Most men feel the same way about being married to Beyonce - we pity Jay-Z.

5 Socialising


A lot of Irish people vow to broaden their social circles after Christmas. (Mainly because they never want to see their family again. Mammy had the fire temperature set to 'Gates of Hell' and we all went bonkers.) In the past, socialising meant hillwalking or bridge. Now it means searching Facebook for groups who share your interests. Such as, "Likes to search for things on social media, ends up looking at videos of cats". #Lonely. 

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