'How do you switch her off?'
Published 20/04/2015 | 02:30
WEIGHT: 12st, 3lbs/77.7kgs
Even in ordinary circumstances Easter is a trying time for those of us plagued with a chocolate fetish and zero will power. But when the circumstances involve failing a diet publicly, a nice bit of public humiliation as opposed to the usual private self-loathing sessions, then there is a whole new dimension of horror to Easter. Weeks have passed and shards of eggs keep appearing, a quarter on a mantelpiece, a half beside the printer. Wispas and Oreo bars are abandoned around the house by the family members unafflicted with need to Eat. All. Chocolate. Now.
It has to be said however that the usual torment is substantially less than in previous years. Something has changed.
When the group of dieting guinea pigs met up for the photo, we talked about what method we were each using to wage war on our waists. When I said I was going the hypnosis route one of them, the tall one, said, "Oh so you don't have to do anything." The theory behind the hypnosis is passive sounding in that I am only required to listen to a half hour recording twice a day and that this will undo whatever in my subconscious makes me eat badly. It also speaks to my body telling it to metabolise well, heal fast and that slowly but surely I will reach my goal weight.
I like surely, I hate slowly so as well as not eating the abandoned shards of Easter egg, I am under pressure, from myself, to exercise like a maniac in order to whittle the 36 inch waist into a 30 inch waist. Because you couldn't possibly do something in moderation. An attitude which might just be a module of the hypnosis further down the line.
For the moment I mostly try to listen in the early afternoon, the other part you have to listen to as you fall asleep and for the most part I conk half way through, which is fine apparently because my subconscious is still taking it in.
If I don't fall into actual sleep, being under for me has not meant completely zoning out. Something which has been quite a source of disappointment to my family who, upon hearing of the hypnosis were falling over themselves to imagine scenarios in which me in a coma would be hilarious. They came up with many. Their main interest however was "How do you switch her off?" They live in hope.