Saturday 1 October 2016

'There's talk of...'

Sophie O'Grady

Published 21/05/2015 | 12:59

There’s talk of a party next weekend.

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Dresses on phone screens, trading cosmetics beneath school desks, hushed excitement. Soldiers battling through the final weeks of school with the idea of bright lights in their minds.

There’s talk of a party next weekend. I will not be attending, I know, for what they find exciting, I find terrifying. Crowds make me anxious, clothes shopping makes me sad, going out makes me tired.

There’s talk of a party next weekend.

I remember a time when I, too, was excited.

I remember the last time I went out — December 17th, 2013. It was fun, but I returned home early, exhausted.

There’s talk of a party next weekend. I know my best friend of ten years would only love to go, just to change it up; she won’t go. She’ll swear she doesn’t mind but guilt still chokes my throat.

There’s talk of a party next weekend. I want to go, I do, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that despite the darkness, despite the dozens of other dolls there, my imperfections will be the ones noticed.

There’s talk of a party next weekend.

When the others my age are beautifully made up, I will be at home with backaches as my company. I will be trying to convince myself that this is what makes me happiest.

There’s talk of a party next weekend.

There’s talk of the election this month.

There’s talk of the economy, the recession.

There’s talk of absolutely everything but when

I will feel comfortable in my own skin again.

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