Monday 25 September 2017

"I'm angry that spouse doesn't want third child"

Relationship counsellor Mary O'Conor tackles a common issue between spouses

Sleeping Baby and Mother
Sleeping Baby and Mother

Mary O’Conor

Q I WANT to consider having a third child, but my husband is really opposed to this.

Our second child was an accident, and I also had a miscarriage and that pregnancy was not planned. I've been kind of in denial about how strongly he feels, but realistically I know he is not going to change his mind. So how do I forgive him when I'm really feeling angry at him and how will I accept that I'm never going to hold a newborn in my arms again?

 

MARY SAYS:

As your second child was unplanned, then your husband has already had to accept an addition to your family that he hadn't expected – at least not at that time.

No doubt he has his reasons why he wants to limit your family to two children, and has probably explained them to you. I don't see any point in your being angry at him – he could in turn be angry at you for wanting more, and none of this anger would be of benefit to anybody, and particularly not to the children.

Sometimes, as a baby gains a parent someone else loses a friend...

There is an awful lot of compromise involved in being married and, while I understand your yearning for another child, your husband needs you to respect his limits. If you were to once again become pregnant against his wishes then just think how this child would feel if they ever became aware that they were unwanted by at least one parent.

Of course you will hold another newborn in your arms but it will not be your child. Perhaps in years to come it will be a precious grandchild, but in the meantime you might consider contacting a maternity hospital in your area to see if they need volunteers to visit or help new young mothers.

If this is not for you then, instead of wishing that things were different, you should enjoy your children while you have them. They will grow up and be gone from you in what will seem like a very short time.

You can contact Mary anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie

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