Tuesday 6 December 2016

Demented Mum: Dinner is a disaster and the house is a mess -- but I still have the last laugh

Published 27/06/2011 | 05:00

THE phone keeps ringing. It's Sarah. Then it's Caroline. Then it's Jackie. Then it's Niamh. Then it's Sarah again, a note of suppressed excitement in her voice.

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Can she "urgently" speak to your daughter?

You've trotted up and down to the Wolverine's lair several times in the last couple of hours and you're getting a bit tired of this.

Ostensibly tidying her room, your daughter lounges on her unmade bed waiting for her acolytes to check in about the next diversion on their social agenda.

It's Saturday, they're all on their school holidays and they've got nothing to do.

But you have. Rather a lot, actually.

As she hurries to take the latest call, you trudge back downstairs to the grocery shopping that needs to be unpacked and put away, the messy rooms that scream to be tidied and the pile of wet laundry to be hung out on the line.

Then there are the dinner preparations for Granny and Grandad, who are calling down to see you all this evening.

Earlier the Wolverine informed you her "bit" was complete.

She had "done" the vegetables, she announced with aplomb, and hoovered the whole house to boot.

Now she was taking a well-earned break, and, like, tidying her bedroom.

You decide to investigate the work. You start by opening the saucepan lids.

Inside one sits seven badly peeled potatoes, each the size of a marble. Another contains a handful of roughly chopped carrot. This for seven people.

There's no sign of the onions, the garlic or the tomatoes, while the fresh herbs you laid out for her to chop have been tidily returned to the fridge.

Your head begins to pound as you realise your daughter somehow managed to complete the hoovering whilst leaving potato peelings and strips of carrot all over the kitchen floor.

Suddenly, the door bangs open and the miscreant rushes in.

Sarah heard from Joanne who heard from Nicola who heard from Sinead whose mother is a teacher that the Wolverine's school is plotting to change the uniform without consultation!

They're not just introducing old-fashioned, long pleated skirts, they're changing the colour of the uniform! To brown!

She so does not look good in brown! This is a disgrace! Protests must be made! Sarah, who has been on the Student Council for the last two years, says fifth years must not stand for this! This is, like, a breach of their rights.

The Wolverine needs you to drive her to town immediately to attend a crisis meeting in Sarah's house.

She glares, outraged, as you laugh and laugh and laugh.

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