Tuesday 25 October 2016

Festive feasts... the modern dining trends

Pat Fitzpatrick

Published 14/12/2015 | 02:30

A Polish Christmas features 12 courses. Photo: Deposit.
A Polish Christmas features 12 courses. Photo: Deposit.
Four bird roast. Photo: Deposit
'I'm from Cork - do you want brown sauce with that?'. Photo: Deposit
Proseco is the new default Christmas present. Photo: Deposit.
'I saw Jamie Oliver doing it'. Photo: Getty

With the countdown to Christmas well and truly underway, we take a look at some modern trends in Yuletide dining.

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Polish people eat a 12 course meal on Christmas Eve that includes carp and herring. "Oh my God, that sounds delicious," says you to your Polish friend at work, because you don't want to hurt her feelings. "Why don't you come over and join us this year?" says she. "I'd love to," replies you, planning an excuse. "Really?" asks she. "No. To be honest, I think ye might be confusing Christmas with Lent. It's supposed to be a time of enjoyment. And ye are eating two kinds of fish. I mean, come on."


The four-bird roast has become very popular at Christmas time. Even if it does sound like something Premiership footballers might get up to during a saucy night out in London. Why did we Irish, who were happy with turkey and ham for years, suddenly move towards the four bird roast? Because Aldi and Lidl got them in, and we do everything the Germans tell us, says you, lugging your latest unnecessary angle-grinder cum bread-making machine up to the attic.


Very popular in Cork around this time of the year. Here is how they cook it: 1: Place spiced beef in water during the first week of October. 2: Cook at an incredibly low heat until Christmas Eve. 3: Serve to any visitors from Dublin and say, "Look at that now, la. Ye don't have that at all. The M50 is a complete joke, like. I was on the Luas last week and it was full of junkies. I'm from Cork. Do you want some brown sauce with that, or what, like?"


At some point in the future, anthropologists will crack the reason the Irish race became extinct. Scanning Christmas dinner photos from the period 2015-2020, they will spot the common denominator. Everyone around the table is drinking from their own bottle of Prosecco, often by the neck. We're not sure how this happened, but Prosecco is the new default Christmas present here. You could say it's the new vouchers on Christmas Day. If you were able to talk.


Most popular phrase on Christmas Day? (After "Did you keep the receipt?") That would be, "I saw Jamie Oliver doing it". It being a dish you saw on a show called Jamie's Lubbly Jubbly Christmas. And tried for the first time on Christmas Day, because what could possibly go wrong? Other than your mother trying the chestnut stuffing and announcing "I'll say this for you, Lisa - you have the house lovely and clean." Mammy. Passive-aggressive.

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