Friday 30 September 2016

Diary of a Twitter addict

Published 20/03/2016 | 02:30

Vicki Notaro
Vicki Notaro

She loves it and hates it - but she just can't ignore it. Journalist @vickinotaro charts her day on the Twitter machine

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9am My iPhone alarm has been bleating for a while. I catch sight of Twitter notifications from the night; these are much more likely to rouse me than that incessant noise. A quick scroll through my newsfeed fills me in on any early breaking news and the handy 'While You Were Away' feature makes sure I don't miss any popular tweets that were posted while I was asleep. I click on a few links about the US elections because a bit of reading and mild outrage wakes up my brain. Confident that I'm now relatively clued-in, it's time to get up.

11am I have a Twitter tab open on my web browser as I work. It alerts me to any notifications, and every now and then I'll click on my newsfeed and have a quick scroll to see what people are talking about.

1pm A squabble breaks out between two minor celebrities. I get the popcorn.

1.20pm It's over. Fun while it lasted.

2pm A friend purchased the elusive Kylie Jenner lip kit online, and it has just arrived. She's shared photos, of course. These cult beauty products by Kim Kardashian's youngest sibling are like gold dust - so the pictures instantly incite extreme envy. I am in a mild huff for approximately five minutes before copping on.

2.30pm I read Jenner's interview in Elle and tweet that it's a fascinating insight into a teen reality star's mindset. Kylie retweets it; she has 15 million followers. My phone begins to hop like the Easter Bunny with "likes" and retweets. I predict some trolling.

4pm Looking for an excuse to procrastinate between professional duties, I begin to suspect that two people I follow are more than just Twitter friends. A quick scroll back over their profiles confirm that they have in fact been in the same place at the same time quite frequently of late. Busted. I make a mental note to gossip about this with some mutual friends at a later date.

4.30pm The Kylie tweet has taken on a life of its own.

5pm I take a delivery of some Easter eggs sent to me by a confectionery company. I know all they want is a tweet in return, so it is my turn to incite envy. I experience a brief pang of self-loathing that is quashed by eating Easter eggs.

6.18pm I wonder how annoying it must be for the Kardashians to wear jeans - due to their proportions, they must have to have every pair tailored. This thought goes from brain to Twitter in about 3.5 seconds.

7pm My fiancé makes a delicious and healthy version of a takeaway favourite for dinner; his hard work and artistry deserves an Instagram, which also posts to Twitter. Cue responses from followers like "get in my belly" and "drool". I am appeased.

8pm I'm meant to be watching a movie, but I'm mindlessly scrolling through my feed. Ooh, look! A baby otter floating on its mother's stomach! Retweet.

9pm Thanks to Kylie, I have 300 new followers and hundreds of retweets. As predicted, many of her fans misunderstand the positive nature of my tweet and start to call me names. It's amusing.

10pm Still scrolling. The People Versus OJ Simpson is on; I'm captivated by John Travolta's wiglet and share this observation with my followers.

11.45pm I go to bed, where my fiancé and I lie side by side, scrolling. Our phones are the last thing we think about at night, and the first thing we reach for in the morning - apart from one another, of course. Phones down, lights out.

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