Saturday 23 September 2017

Celebrity Chefs

Mark Moriarty
Mark Moriarty
Wolfgang Puck
Neven Maguire
Paul Hollywood
Gordon Ramsey

Pat Fitzpatrick

As we talk to the 'Celebrity MasterChef Ireland' contestants, we look at famous chefs and bakers around the world

1 MARK MORIARTY

Attention, foodies from around the world. Your boys and girls took one hell of a beating. Dubliner Mark Moriarty won best young chef in the world in 2015. His winning dish was celeriac, baked in barley and fermented hay. That sounds delicious, said no one ever who isn't a badger. It's a credit to Mark that it won him the prize. And an even further credit that he conquered the world, given he comes from a food culture that likes to end every meal with the words: "Jesus lads, that fills the gap".

2 NEVEN MAGUIRE

Neven visited the Basque country on his TV show. The tapas in that part of Spain are called pintxos. Unless you're Irish, in which case the correct term is: "Very small. Nuala, order another four plates there, and tell them to keep the bread coming; the Famine ended years ago." The small beer that accompanies your pintxos is known as a cana. Unless you're Scottish, in which case the correct usage is "I cana drink any more wee beers. But keep them coming anyway."

3 WOLFGANG PUCK

He's the answer to the question, what do you call a famous Austrian crossed with a festival in Kerry? Adolf Rose of Tralee? No, you clown. Wolfgang has a name that wouldn't work at all in a saucy limerick. Unless you can think of something that rhymes with Puck. Oh, hang on. There was a young chef called Puck, he couldn't believe his luck, stood there by the cooker, he spotted a looker, who asked if he'd fancy a duck. (Phew.)

4 PAUL HOLLYWOOD

Weird show, the Great British Bake Off. We haven't seen this much passive-aggressive behaviour in a tent since the Girl Guides went camping in Brittas. Now that it's moving from the BBC, you can expect Channel 4 to put their distinctive slant on the show. Obviously, everyone will be naked, and forced to marry each other to see how long it lasts. And the show will have a more controversial title. Our money is on Celebrity Gypsy Benefits Fat Sex Vagina.

5 GORDON RAMSAY

Gordon has an online cooking course. You can learn all the tricks of the trade, such as how to motivate a nervous person with spittle and expletives. We miss his Kitchen Nightmares show. He'd go to a restaurant in rural Ohio and start off by ordering everything on the menu. That seemed like a weird thing to do, until we saw the regular customers. They'd clearly been going in there and ordering everything off the menu for years.

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