Life

Wednesday 23 July 2014

Can a whirlwind romance ever 
lead to long-lasting love?

As Cheryl Cole weds after a three-month courtship, we ask whether marriages made in haste will thrive once the initial passion has waned.

Judith Woods

Published 16/07/2014|00:00

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Congratulations to Cheryl Cole on her marriage to dishy French restaurateur Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini after a whirlwind romance of just three months. Being a rather less flighty type myself - having taken 11 years to be persuaded that, actually, I couldn't do any better - I thought I wouldn't approve of such heady precipitousness.

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But to my surprise, there is just enough romance in my soul to think that if a girl is going to experience a classic coup de foudre, then let it be with a quadruple-barrelled Frenchman.

They met in the glitz of Cannes; they shacked up within weeks; they married in haste. What élan! What passion! What could possibly go wrong? In truth, nothing any more cataclysmic than what can happen to the rest of us who live together for years first.

Those who rub along through happenstance or habit, then suddenly realise no one's getting any younger and scramble to get married and pregnant are no more or less likely to make a success of their relationship than the eyes-across-a-crowded-room brigade. "There are no rules about what is right or wrong when making decisions of this sort," says clinical psychologist Linda Blair. "The two factors that come into play when it comes to timing are your personal experience of previous relationships and instinct. Some people are in touch with their instincts; they listen to them, they trust them and they allow them to play a powerful role in determining what they do and when they do it."

Official figures show that couples on this side of the pond now have on average three "try before you tie" years living together before getting hitched. Conventional wisdom - previously backed up by longitudinal studies - was that cohabiting before marriage puts couples at greater risk of divorce.

But more recent, in-depth research from the US revealed that this was not the case. The deciding factor was the age of the bride and groom; those who get together when they are young are most likely to live together first and only get married when she becomes pregnant.

The younger the couple, the less likely the union is to survive. For every year a woman waits beyond 30, the greater her chances become of staying married. Assuming, that is, she gets married - the unhappily unattached can vouch for the fact that after a certain age finding a perfect mate is no longer a given.

Cheryl (31) may be divorced, but if anything she is even more alluring than when she was teetering around town, relegated to little more than her footballer ex-husband Ashley's eye candy.

Given the overnight nature of X Factor fame, perhaps it was only fitting that, when she met Jean-Bernard (33) at the Cannes Film Festival in May, the effect of Cupid's arrow was instant. It really was love at first sight. The pair apparently wed on a white beach on the Caribbean island of Mustique in front of a handful of friends and family, in stark contrast to her flashy, £1m OK! Magazine deal when she married Ashley in 2006.

She filed for divorce four years later when she discovered the defender had been playing away from home, and subsequently dated a couple of male dancers but - I don't know about her - our hearts weren't in it.

Professionally, her glittering rise to fame as a member of Girls Aloud was followed by a solo career. She was such a popular addition to The X Factor that she was brought over to the US to appear on the 2011 American version. But, humiliatingly, she was sacked by Simon Cowell before the show even went on air. Since then she has revived her singing career and had an unimaginably huge tattoo of red roses inked across her derrière.

Having been persuaded to rejoin the judging panel on the next series of The X Factor, it was evident her star has been in the ascendancy, but she's now trumped that with a tasteful princess-cut diamond on her ring finger and a French husband. And who could fail to wish her well this time round?

Whirlwind: The marriage of Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney failed to go the distance.
Whirlwind: The marriage of Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney failed to go the distance.

"There's some evidence to show that some second marriages are more likely to be successful than first marriages," says Relate counsellor Christine Northam. "As we grow older and our life experience broadens, many people find their needs and desires change. Coupled with the pressures of everyday life, it's not surprising that not all relationships go the distance."

Notably disastrous whirlwind romances have included those of Britney Spears, who married a childhood friend on a whim in Vegas and had the marriage annulled 55 hours later, and ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell, who married an Italian tycoon she had met in a nightclub weeks previously and divorced him three months afterwards.

A moment of madness also swept away Bridget Jones's Diary actress Renée Zellweger, who married country singer Kenny Chesney after a four-month courtship, then filed for an annulment 128 days later on the grounds of "fraud".

"I made the biggest personal mistake of my life. I felt a fool," she said afterwards. "I was looking for something else, I was going through huge life changes at the time."

Katy Perry and Russell Brand's marriage didn't last.
Katy Perry and Russell Brand's marriage didn't last.

And who could forget Tom Cruise leaping on to Oprah Winfrey's sofa and declaring his love for Katie Holmes, to whom he proposed at the top of the Eiffel Tower after a two-month romance? It was almost six years before they filed for divorce.

Russell Brand and Katy Perry only managed 14 months, having met in September 2009 and got engaged that December.

But, although spontaneous marriages have a patchy track record, research shows that arranged marriages tend to have greater longevity and inspire greater affection. Harvard academic Dr Robert Epstein, who studied the subject of arranged marriages for eight years, looked at the approaches taken in other cultures including Indian, Pakistani and Orthodox Jews, and compared his findings with 30 years of research into Western marriages.

He concluded that within 10 years, those who had their marriages arranged had a stronger relationship. Feelings of love in spontaneous matches begins to fade by as much as half in 18 months, whereas in arranged marriages it tends to grow gradually, surpassing the love in unarranged marriages at around the five-year mark.

Dr Epstein believes this is because Westerners leave their love lives to chance or fate, often confusing love with lust.

"The idea is we must not leave our marriages to chance. We plan our education, our careers and our finances but we're still uncomfortable with the idea that we should plan our love lives," he says. "In arranged marriages, thought goes into the matching. In the West, physical attraction is important. But people must be able to distinguish lust from love. Strong physical attraction is very dangerous. It can be blinding."

It's a view very much shared by Blair, who points out the difference between irresistible attraction and selfless devotion.

"There's a big difference between passion and love," says Blair, author of The Key to Calm: Your Path to Mindfulness - and Beyond. "Passion is about reproduction and is determined by scent; if your partner's scent matches your own immune system, then it is a predictor of strong, healthy offspring. Love is something else: it's less overwhelming and far more difficult, but also much more rewarding. It's about being willing to put the needs of the other person before your own."

Let us hope that in Jean-Bernard, Cheryl has met her soulmate and that, once the tumultuous whirlwind of wooing has blown over, married life will prove to be a more traditional bed 
of roses.

The marriage of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ended in divorce.
The marriage of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ended in divorce.

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