Enda leads us into shutdown
Published 12/06/2016 | 02:30
A strange phenomenon spread from the south of the country on Friday. As people looked at the sky fearfully, wondering what it was, many decided we must have angered God. As people ran for cover, some dropping their pints, they began to realise that it was, in fact, water falling from the sky.
And then some older people remembered that this was a thing that used to happen in Ireland. It was called rain. The young people, whose minds are addled from technology, and who now have a memory of approximately three weeks and an attention span of three minutes, had no recollection of ever seeing such a thing.
When the rain came, there was a very real danger the country would wake up and go back to work, but after nearly three weeks of sunshine and with the Euros on the horizon, there was no danger of that.
When we tried to contact someone in the Government last night to find out if the country is now officially shut down, there was no one to take our call. Fine Gael said it would really be a matter for Fianna Fail seeing as they are more or less in charge now.
Eventually, we made contact with the Taoiseach.
"Shut down?" he said. "Shure that happened weeks ago. The official schtart of summer was the Bruce concert in Croker. I took in a few matches around Edinburgh and London for the resht of that weekend and I've been relaxing since. But I am obviously available for any urgent matters that arise. I will be happy to meet dangerous racist Donald Trump if he likes. And I'll tell him to his face that he is a racist. And I'll tell him that's coming from me, a person who used to tell a joke in public that had the 'N' word as the punchline."
When we asked Mr Kenny if the Government had any plans to do anything much in the near future, he said: "This Government didn't get where it is by doing anything. We did nothing for two months before we were elected, we've done nothing since we were elected and if you ask me, it's working out well.
"For weeks now, we haven't had to set up a commission of inquiry into some cock-up. Health is on the long finger in a 10-year plan, housing can't be dealt with until after August because Coveney says no one is focused on work and Shane Ross is gone to the football, so that's him off my back for a bit. What is it you think we should be doing exactly?"
When we suggested that perhaps we should be thinking about what to do if Britain votes to leave the EU, Mr Kenny said: "Don't be daft! That'll never happen. Look at the polls, man!" We informed Mr Kenny of the latest polls and he confessed he hadn't seen a poll in a while. There was a long silence on the line. "So they could possibly leave?" he said. "Jesus, what would we do then? Would that affect us?"
We confessed we weren't really sure either but that we should possibly pay more attention. And then the sun came out again so we all went back to our pints and our football.