Sunday 30 April 2017

It's time to send for Mr T to sort out that lot up North

Gosh, you look quite fearsome -- camouflage combats, Doc Martin boots and lots of gold jewellery. Have you been watching re-runs of The A-Team again?

Hell no. Me and some of the lads have formed the Patriots' Army, and we're off to rescue yer man from the clutches of the enemy.

I'm afraid I'm a little slow on the uptake, so please display some forbearance with my inability to follow you. What lads? And which male individual needs deliverance?

The lads from my local. There we were the other night, supping stout to beat the band, when we see this newsflash coming up on Sky News that a bunch of right dodgy looking ruffians had taken yer man hostage.

And yer man is ... ?

The fella that runs the whole shop here. The grumpy bloke who looks like his mammy cut his hair and whose always giving out yards to that bunch of hooligans in the roundy room.

Aha. I'm with you now. You're talking about our esteemed leader, the Taoiseach, Brian Cowen, who can admittedly be a little gruff from time to time. But why on earth do you think he's been abducted?

He has, I'm telling you. And not only that, but his pal was lifted also -- the one that does that funny thing with his mouth when he's yakking on the box. One minute the pair of them were having a mug of scald and a chinwag in London, and the next the poor sods are whisked away to some godforsaken spot in the North. Three days they've been there, with no food, beer or a clean pair of jocks between them.

You and your companions appear to have jumped to an erroneous conclusion, I fear. Both the Taoiseach and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown volunteered to fly to Hillsborough Castle in the North to try and expedite a resolution to the stalled talks on policing, parading and justice.

Are you telling me they made the trip off their own bat? And they're not trussed up in some dungeon with Jedward songs played at full pelt so no-one can hear their screams?

Both men were determined to bring an end to the wrangling which has threatened to topple the assembly and trigger an election. However, the Jedward bit might be true, as the sheer bloody-minded intransigence of the various parties involved would reduce any head of government to sobs.

Then who are those gangs of heavies coming and going around the clock from the castle, throwing more shapes than you'd see in a Spirograph box?

Those chaps are the honourable members of the Democratic Unionist Party and Sinn Fein, who are refusing to play nice and share their toys.

I see. I suppose they did play ball after the Hillsborough Two talked sense into them?

Alas, not even three days of arm-twisting by Ireland's and Britain's most powerful politicians could unblock the impasse. Brian and Gordon finally left on Wednesday looking indeed as if they had been subjected to 72 hours of Jedward.

There's only one thing for it, so.

What solution are you proposing?

Never mind Brian and Gordon. Let's send in Mr T. "I pity the fool" who thinks that he'd stand for this No Surrender stuff. Otherwise, they're gonna meet his friend, pain.

You know, that just might work.

Irish Independent

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