If it's so great up North, Gerry, why not go back?
Published 14/02/2016 | 02:30
You wait ages for a proper ding dong between the main party leaders, then four come along at once.
First up was the Leaders' Debate on TV3, where Pat 'Silver Fox' Kenny handled all the questions on crime and the economy while Colette 'Silver Medal Position' Fitzpatrick stuck to ones on health. Just checking the calendar. Yes, it's the 21st Century. Who knew?
Labour's Joan Burton won the draw to be first to speak. Sadly for her, it's the only thing she's managed to win in the whole campaign.
Enda Kenny was first to check his phone. Candy Crush updating, perchance?
Sinn Fein's Gerry Adams was first to shamelessly name drop 1916. Be thankful he didn't also claim to have written the Proclamation.
Fianna Fail leader Micheal Martin was blisteringly effective on the IRA's own Special Criminal Courts, namely courts which not only tried criminals but were run by them. Adams, though, was ready for him, proving his intellectual credentials with the Belfast colloquialism: "Catch yourself on." It's a wonder he didn't tell Martin to "shut your bake, you're worse than the peelers, big lad".
It was another reminder, as Joan taunted, that Gerry doesn't understand the Irish Republic. To him, youse are all a bunch of soft Free Staters, so youse are, and always will be.
Adams - who was making a surreal play for sympathy all week as 'The Only Party Leader To Have Been Shot'™ - didn't do his cause any favours by repeatedly jabbing his finger at the others as he outlined all the things that are better in Northern Ireland.
No water charges. No property tax. Great public services. From the way Gerry bigged up the North, you'd wonder why republicans even want to end British rule. It sounds like paradise up there. Maybe that's why he never joined the IRA, eh?